Hillary Clinton (D-Liar)

Listed on Humor-Blogs.com

I almost never do this, because I don’t take sides, but this story itches me worse than ticks in the nether regions. If you ever want to know the real meaning of dishonest, just have an election.

I originally made a typo (or a Freudian slip) and ended that last sentence with “just hold an erection”. Both will lead you to considerable amounts of dishonesty, but erections don’t generally last for a year and a half.

Exhibit ‘A’: the current Democratic primary. I am neutral if Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama both lose and hold hands (or an erection) as the Presidential Oath of Office is administered to a handful of asparagus. I will not fret if they both return to the Senate and diminish through their careers arguing the merits of modern dance subsidies for radio astronomers and badger wrangling.

If I cared less, I would have to be in a coma or a Scientologist or a sofa cushion or something.
But here’s my problem; Hillary Clinton is kind of a disingenuous sack of crap. When I write “kind of” I mean that she is not, as far as I know, an actual sack.

I know that I’m the first to question the honesty of a Clinton, and I apologize for that. But Hillary Clinton is trying to trick you; shocking I know.

Yes, to your obvious rebuttal, I know that calling only one, specific Senator dishonest is like calling only one, specific Amish person a quaint yet dangerously backwards Luddite. Apparently, if I’m to be taken at my word, I have a problem with the Amish. However, if you’re careful, you would never take me at my word.

Most recently, while oiling and stroking her international résumé, Clinton recalled that she had traveled to Bosnia in 1996 during her tenure as First Lady:

“I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base.”

However this is not entirely true, insofar as it appears to be a bald-faced, weasel-exploding lie. Video abounds on the Amazing Tantalizing Trans-computer Network with Hillary getting flowers from little Bosnian kids and looking like the oldest model in the LL Bean catalogue.

In response to this obvious bit of fiction, her campaign replied that she ‘misspoke‘.

Misspoke? If a guy you just met is named Ron and you accidentally call him Don, then you misspoke. Ever said Tuesday when you meant Thursday? Ever said ‘next weekend’ when you meant ‘this weekend’? That’s misspeaking. Let’s take a closer look:

Example A: Last Tuesday…I mean last Thursday, I went for drinks with Jim.

Example B: Last Thursday I went for drinks with Jim, and he was killed by mortar fire from Ottoman Turks. When the Ottoman Turks entered the bar, I slew them with my light saber and the laser that shoots napalm from my nipples – yeah, I know what “laser” means. They almost got me too, but at the last minute that really hot chick from Terminator Chronicles showed up and helped me out. Go, USA!!!

The second example is probably the one upon which you should focus. Also, she misspoke the same thing more than once, including in a prepared speech.

If you cheat on your spouse by nailing a co-worker in the shower, you would not likely get away with it by pleading that you had bathed incorrectly. Even accountants have a joke about it. They call corporate embezzlement “expressionist math”.

The existence or non-existence of a sniper is not a matter upon which you misspeak; it’s a matter of fact. Facts are peculiar things because, sadly, you can be wrong. When you are wrong on purpose then you are a damn dirty liar who needs to get some toady on your staff to go out and say that you “misspoke” or else you won’t let him be Secretary in Charge of Rodents and Other Metaphorically Dishonest Animals when you become President.

I’m sure that Senator Obama may have lied about his past as well. I’m sure that in the same year Hillary claimed to be taking fire in Bosnia, Barack was helping community organizers by sitting in a church hall somewhere drinking too much bad coffee and killing 9 hours a day on the PlayStation. However, at least Senator Obama has not recalled a specific day where he fought off angry beavers in defense of liberty when we have tape of him trying to get the Hummer in Twisted Metal to fire its Patriot missiles.

Being under fire is serious business and people die when it happens. If you want to lie about having inventing the Internet or how you know ‘secret judo’ and that’s why you’re such a good kisser, then that’s fine. But when you try to wrap your sneaky ass in the character of people who have been shot at, it’s kind of like stealing herpes medication in order to get sympathy. Not all lies are created equal, some are more serious, some are more slimy.

Don’t take my word for it, ask JFK.

Was that last joke too offensive? Feel better at Humor-Blogs.com !!

Ream My Meme.

Listed on humor-blogs.com…

Normally ignoring the trends of the interwebs with my blog…other than, you know, having a blog in the first place…I long ago swore that I would never do a meme.

Or a mime, but that went out the window in university.

I have an foolishly long list of blogs that I visit and atop that list is the work of my blogging patriarch, Paul Gorbould over at Gor[b]. Now admittedly, Paul is not a member of the secretive humor-blogs syndicate, and he got the meme from over at Culture Kills, but he’s still okay in my book. Currently, that book is a re-issue of The Turner Diaries, so you may want to take that with a grain of salt.

The meme is ‘Make a Band’, or ‘Make an Album’ depending on who you ask.

The steps are simple:

1. Go to Wikipedia and hit the random page function; this is the name of your band.

2. Similarly, go to QuotationsPage.com and take the last four words of the very last quote; this will be you album title.

3. Finally, go to this link at Flickr and use the third image; this is your album cover.

The results are alarmingly impressive and confirm that the people who made album covers were third rate hacks who never understood really Hemingway and just smoked too much weed.

Here’s what Paul made:

Matt from Culture Kills hits a home run as the beneficiary of a great photo from Flickr:

Seeing these I felt very good about running this down into a half-post. But it was then that the thing got really, really weird.

Seriously, this is on the upper limit of probability calculus.

Anyway, the freak-fest started when I went to Wikipedia and sought out a random page. I got Leon Trotsky. This struck me as pretty neat; I knew people in university who would have named their band Leon Trotsky had they owned an instrument and had any talent other than buying heavy, black sweaters.

Then I went to QuotationsPage.com and found my quote. I cannot tell you the pure burst of gobsmackery that ensued when the quote was from; you guessed it, Leon Trotsky. The original random quote isn’t there anymore, but I found it here at BrainyQuote.com.

“Where force is necessary, there it must be applied boldly, decisively and completely. But one must know the limitations of force; one must know when to blend force with a maneuver, a blow with an agreement.”

I paused for a few minutes before looking up the random images on Flickr. Now I am not a superstitious man, but I honestly feared that if I went to Flickr I would be drawn into a technology driven coincidence thriller that would inevitably have Sarah Michelle Gellar in it.

I don’t see an upside in all of that.

But it struck me as unusually odd that anyone would have a picture of Leon Trotsky on Flickr, and even less likely that I would find it on a random hit.

Anyway, this is my result, the spookiest damn thing ever and the reason why I never do a meme;

Now I need to go and lay down.

I’ll Steal Your Car If You Don’t Visit Humor-Blogs.com !!

The Long Arm of the Blog.

Listed on humor-blogs.com…

The universe needs order. For instance, gravity is pretty keen and you don’t want to try to get by without it. But when’s the last time you thanked the force that keeps you from stepping out of your car and straight into Low Earth Orbit? Yeah, that’s what I thought, you inconsiderate cretin. Regardless, this post is about Very Serious Rules; namely, the laws of this blog. It’s important, so pay attention.

There may be a test, but there will be no prizes.

My good pal Paul over at Gor[b] recently posted a follow up that highlights the official blogging guidelines for the federally mandated funhouse at the CBC. And yes, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation has become such a profitable, relevant and dynamic broadcasting juggernaut that blogging is its biggest concern.

Personally, I’d like to see them first find a solution to showing re-runs of The Red Green Show, but I’ll shut up before I get my taxes audited.

Having been exceptionally busy in The Real Damn World over the past three weeks (result: hung jury!), I have had many blog ideas and my choice of topic for this blog was not an easy one. I’ll waste your time with these other ideas later, but I could not in good conscience go another day with out filling up a blog entry with a half-assed list of cheap jokes.

That and I need a mission statement.

For those of you who aren’t reading this from prison, you know that every business bigger than a wiener wagon has a mission statement professing some high-minded philosophy. Of course, all of these are lies. Every company should be required to end their mission statement with the following:

“Having said all of that, we want to become fat and bloated on money – your money. Now please proceed quietly to the counter and buy a six dollar crappaccino.”

That way, after blathering on about positive community footprints and reducing razor burn for all of the world’s orphans, you’ll know what the score is.

The Reasonable Ego: Our Mission Statement

When I’m not too busy, and my wife lets me, I am committed to bringing you the best humor commentary that I can. When not playing Rhinoceros Man with my daughters, I will labor at this with all of my will, but let’s not go crazy. When I don’t have anything better to do and when my new recliner doesn’t lull me to sleep with her devilish siren-song, you guys are on deck. I’m apparently giving this away for free, but I’m desperately in need of the validation of perfect strangers.

The Reasonable Ego: Our Alternate Mission Statement

I’m afraid o’ da goofa man!

You can apply whichever of those suits you best.

I don’t know about you, but I feel much better having taken care of that business. I’m sure that you, my beloved and pious reader, will now understand more clearly where I (as a lunatic blow hard) am coming from.

…but probably not…

As immaterial as this may seem (or not, since I have no idea to what I am referring) I must now press forward and outline The Very Important Rules of my blog.

1. To present the reading public with the most responsible and fair content possible, I will never cry in public because of my adopted dog. Seriously, this is why the camera has an ‘off’ switch. This is why you hire executive producers; this is why directors first started using the word “cut”.

2. If you promise not to stare at it, I promise not to rub it.

3. Because I have such tremendous respect for my reading audience (the gentler reader will ignore that if I respected you that much, I would write more often), I will never rarely try not to use excessively coarse words. If I must use foul language, in the interest of all parties, I will wear a condom.

5. I will not, nor will I permit others to misuse the terms ‘ointment’ and ‘unguent’.

6. Mittens!

7. When I show you a picture of a scantily-clad woman, I will freely admit that I am pandering.

8. As a strident proponent of the free market, I will continue to give this material away for free, proving that you do indeed get what you pay for.

9. Any list that I compose will have at least nine entries.

10. I promise never to do this again.

I hope that this brief dissertation has made clear that with a little time spent on clarifying our first principles, laying out a set of procedures and establishing a basic model for content that anyone can fill up an eight hundred word blog post which is truly half-assed.

But remember, you must promise not to stare at it.

 

 

 

 

Cat Food Will Wreck Your Kidneys, But Not Humor-Blogs.com !!

The Sinister Saturday

Listed on humor-blogs.com…

Like many of my colleagues at humor-blogs.com, I’ve decided to flag down the week’s blogs I noticed and unlike many of them, I’ve also gathered news items that I took note of, but couldn’t muster the brain wattage to write a full post on. If I don’t get to you, don’t assume that I don’t care; just blame it on my addiction to old-people vitamins.

The Sinister Six

1. Osama bin Laden has released a new video but I couldn’t really focus since I kept wondering :
A) Why is he still alive?
B) How he thought that no one would notice that he had chosen to dye his beard? May Allah, we praise him, bless you in the holy Jihad and here’s some Just for Men. Wait…what? It occurs to me that you probably can’t buy commercial hair coloring in a Pakistani cave, so it’s either shoe polish or the byproduct of a goat.
Further, he spends an inordinate amount of time discussing how Whoopi is wrong for The View.

2. Potentially not a Senator Larry Craig has rescinded the previous retraction of his originally withdrawn resignation – did I get that right? If he has this much trouble quitting a job after being found guilty of lewdness, no wonder he flaps around like a netted flounder when he’s taking a crap.

3. In a chemistry experiment gone horribly wrong, NBC has added noted liberal orator and occasional newsman Keith Olbermann to the regular on air team of Football Night in America. While it is refreshingly obvious that Chris Collinsworth, Bob Costas and Tiki Barber have no idea why he’s there, it’s equally obvious that former wide receiver Collinsworth finds Olbermann to be an unmitigated tool and that this feeling is mutually expressed. Tiki Barber kept looking at his co hosts with the clear intent of not misreading the teleprompter.

4. Fred Thompson has officially announced that he is now a candidate for the Presidency of the United States. In a dreadfully long announcement on his website and an appearance on the Tonight Show, the ursine former Senator tried to look presidential without looking like a district attorney, a fleet admiral or any of the other serious roles where’s he’s asked to imitate a figure of genuine authori…oh, I get it.

5. David Letterman, in a clear sign that he is the real king of late night, made international headlines by agreeing to be interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. The last time Jay Leno made news was when he announced his 2009 retirement. The next time he will make the news will be when that occurs.

6. Luciano Pavarotti died on Thursday; he was 71. There’s no joke here, of course and I sincerely hope (despite my own atheism) that he finds a corner of the afterlife with comfortable chairs and a good Alfredo sauce.

The Second Sinister Six

Okay, I think that we’re all a little tired of that “Sinister Whatever” thing now – if I weren’t such a lazy, uncaring baboon, I’d go back to think of something better.

Oh well…I took note of these, please check them out;

1. Diesel at Mattress Police has opened up another caption contest displaying not only his skills at Photoshop but his unending need to plaster his head all over his web site. Check it out and enter a possible caption. I understand that the winner gets a sack of Spanish gold. And no, despite having the perfect caption, I’m not playing. So there.

2. Chris C at Nothing to See Here gives us concise analysis of one of the most bizarre products I’ve ever seen. Really, this thing is messed up and, if I might add, an affront to Jeebus.

3. Mark Jabo at Get Incensed not only linked to me (a sign of tremendous wisdom) but also provided a nice series of video links to the late Luciano Pavarotti. It’s good stuff.

4. Over at The Frog Blog, The Frogster reminds us of the long and storied history of the Rutgers football program. I had no idea.

5. In a feature that strikes a chord with my former Catholicism, Joel at Crummy Church Signs reminded us all of the importance of the Blessed Sacraments; most notably, the Sacrament of Barbeque.

6. The ‘other’ Dan (ha!) of humor-blogs.com who runs the immensely popular Dan’s Blah Blah Blog tells us the chilling story of a terrifying encounter with The Beast. The suspense might kill you, so be careful.

Next Saturday, be sure to tune in (can you tune the interwebs?) for the next installment of The Sinister Saturday. There is a good chance slight chance some remote possibility that I’ll actually get off of my ass and write something.

But remember, this is for entertainment purposes only. Please, no wagering.

 

 

 

If John Wayne could, he’d Go to Humor-Blogs.com !!