The Sinister Sunday.

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Unlike most of you, I don’t have that much in common with god. I have never impregnated a carpenter’s wife by remote control. You want loaves and fishes? Get your own. I’ve also never leveled a city because I didn’t like the way some of the folks get jiggy. But like The Jeebus Daddy, (acts of transubstantiation notwithstanding) I do take Sundays off.

And on the seventh day, I slacked the hell off. My slack-assery will become more evident as you examine the product. Without further biblical reference, let’s hit the Sinister Six; those news stories from the last little while that I enjoyed, but not enough to warrant a full post.

1. In Arkansas, six nuns from an order known as The Army of Mary were excommunicated from the Catholic Church because their leader claimed to be possessed by the Virgin Mary. Normally, I eschew these kinds of things, but the Church has rules and they don’t want to come off looking stupid. If they don’t draw a line here people might start believing in really weird stuff like people rising from the dead. Wait…what?

2. Michael Vick answered the question “is he really that stupid?” by getting caught reefer-laden while being court supervised. But let’s look at this for a minute. He’s home with a lot of money and a great deal of free time on his hands, what did you expect? At least when he’s floating through his THC-fueled haze, he’s unlikely to kill anything. He’s the victim here; he’s taking reasonable steps to ensure that he’s a threat nothing more than a two-pound bag of Cheetos and now the court sticks him with this. If we don’t treat him more carefully, he might go out and do something unreasonable.

3. The makers of Miller and Coors beer brands have united to better challenge the competition. Now, as a Canadian beer consumer, I can only assume that the real outcome of this will be that all the cats can now whiz into the same vats.

4. JK Rowling, apparently in the fear of having a week when she is not featured in the news, announced in a reading that the wizard Dumbledore is gay. I have enormous respect for what Rowling has accomplished, and her words on this are better than mine:

“Oh, my god,” Rowling concluded with a laugh, “the fan fiction.”

Eeeeeewwwwww…and, yes, I’m the one person who’s never read a Harry Potter book.

5. Hillary Clinton (D – Catch me if you can) announced that people should eat more carrots. In addition to making her sound like the Field Marshall for the Army of the Nanny State, it also misses a more pressing concern; the things that her husband asks people to put in their mouths.

6. The Anglican Church has reached some sort of compromise to keep the British and American wings of the assembly together after having differing practices on homosexuality for a number of years. The result is apparently less moderate and tolerant than was hoped.

There’s not much funny here, and I realize I’m taking a double whammy at religion. It does make me think of that Biblical story where Jesus sent away all those people who smelled funny, had big noses or used the word ‘irregardless’ since its not really a word at all. He was like that, you know.

The Sinister Single.

Normally, my weekend posts offer a nod to six decidedly less lame offerings. I have been away from TRE for about three weeks and I read several very good posts that I wanted to write about – some of them were even free of nudity. However, what also happened in the last three weeks was the delivery of my copy of Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. As you may know, this book was written by my blogger pimp, Diesel who still considers that name to be a good idea. Diesel also runs the site splattered across my sidebars: Humor-blogs.com.

I don’t normally even entertain the idea of doing reviews (see what I did there?). In this case, however, I think that I probably should. As a caveat, very few things make me laugh; I’m a tough room. If you can force a snicker out of me, then you did good.

Diesel’s book is funny. I laughed out loud every few pages and I chuckled more often than not between every flip. More importantly, the book is very, very readable. To collect 150+ pages from hundreds of posts and have it flow from start to finish is quite a feat. All in all, this is a good read and an anthology worthy of purchase.

The number of chapters devoted to hard core pornography and scrotal abuse were really out of place, but I understand they’ve been taken out of the current version.

Good work, Diesel.

 

 

 

 

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Everybody Sucks.

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This is not a very funny week. For a news and politics humorist, the last few days have been hideous and awful like a bout of intestinal worms; big ones, too. I’m talking about big intestinal worms that have sharp, biting teeth and the face of Don Rickles. I feel like Michael Vick trying to pick up girls at a PETA rally where everyone knows that Ron Mexico is just an alias.

This week has brought the Iraq War testimony of General Petraeus and the sixth commemoration of 911. Nothing funny there, and you’d be kind of cheap, vile jerk if you tried to make it so.

Speaking of cheap, vile jerks I would now like to remind you of Bill ‘The Bloat Furnace’ Donohue. Donohue spends his time steering the cranky old ship of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights and belching out astonishingly offensive cries of Catholic-bashing faster than a…um…damn. It strikes me that there aren’t that many things that belch repeatedly and at speed on purpose…my bad.

To refresh you, I’ve written about Billy the Hutt before.

Kathy Griffin is the increasingly famous star of the reality-ish show My Life on the D-List. Griffin does things that I’m sure are just spiffy but since I have never watched, she could be mangling cats with a hammer for all I know. I remember Griffin on other things and that she was funny. Or maybe I don’t and she wasn’t – I really don’t care. Either way she strikes me as neither a particularly compelling entertainer or so attractive that I hope to ‘accidentally’ see her naked.

As such Griffin has never consumed any bandwidth on the Sinister Satellite, but again I’m sure she’s just swell. There is some empirical evidence for this as Griffin was just awarded a Creative Arts Emmy for her work on the show that I have never seen. In her acceptance, Griffin added:

… a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. So, all I can say is, ’suck it, Jesus.’ This award is my god now.”

This line isn’t exactly so funny that it forced the evacuation of my bowels, in fact I barely snickered. It also, pretty clearly, is a joke.

This, of course, was not the interpretation of the mountainous sack of noise that is Bill “Stay-Puft” Donohue, who condemned Griffin’s comments as “hate speech”.

Hate speech is normally defined as when someone states that an entire race, culture or religion is foul or awful just because they are what they are. When I released my first book: All Presbyterians are Damn Dirty Apes, that qualified as hate speech. Conversely, when my wife penned the best-selling My Husband is Dung-Covered Baboon, in addition to not being classified as hate speech, that work also won an award from my mother.

And Dad bought her a new mini-van. But let’s move on.

So while The Jeebus is a very important fella, he cannot technically be the subject of hate speech as an individual. It occurs to me that I have inadvertently compared myself to The Jeebus. If the bible is right, I’m relatively sure that I’m taller than he was.

Is that hate speech?

Bill “Bubblicious” Donohue gets into a bit of trouble with his wording. What I mean by this is that because he uses words, things go quickly go down the crapper. What might otherwise have been a cute little statement of obnoxious indignation turns quickly into, well…

“It is sure bet that if Griffin had said, ‘Suck it, Muhammad,’ there would have been a very different reaction from the crowd and from the media who covered this event. To say nothing of the Muslim reaction.”

You would almost think that he’s doing this on purpose, wouldn’t you?

While Bill “Vesuvius Mouth” Donohue cannot tolerate a person making a statement about a singular ‘The Jeebus’, he is willing to pull out the specter of ‘the Muslim reaction’.

Bill Donohue and the Muslim Reaction would be a great name for a band (another 1$ for Dave Barry…).

But as we all know, Islam is a dangerous religion that promotes really bad behavior in its adherents and so Bill is well advised to warn us of ‘the Reaction’. Fortunately, he in no way looks like a hypocritical goon since nothing bad has ever happened in the name of the Catholic Church.

Seriously, Bill wouldn’t to come off like an ass.

Earlier in his press excretions, Bill also highlights that this kind of hate speech is predictable because Griffin is a self-described “complete militant atheist”. Since (like Muslims) atheists cannot be trusted to do the right thing, Bill is entirely justified in condemning that group based on the beliefs about god.

As for the anti-Jeebus media, they have shown their usual stick-to-itiveness and folded like a bad paper plate. The network airing the Emmys will proudly exercise their right to free speech by eliminating some of it. The AP will not even cite the phrase in question, instead referring to it as an ‘off-color remark’.

Way to go, Bill. You are the light of the world – the light from the snout of an oncoming train.

 

 

 

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The Sinister Saturday

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Like many of my colleagues at humor-blogs.com, I’ve decided to flag down the week’s blogs I noticed and unlike many of them, I’ve also gathered news items that I took note of, but couldn’t muster the brain wattage to write a full post on. If I don’t get to you, don’t assume that I don’t care; just blame it on my addiction to old-people vitamins.

The Sinister Six

1. Osama bin Laden has released a new video but I couldn’t really focus since I kept wondering :
A) Why is he still alive?
B) How he thought that no one would notice that he had chosen to dye his beard? May Allah, we praise him, bless you in the holy Jihad and here’s some Just for Men. Wait…what? It occurs to me that you probably can’t buy commercial hair coloring in a Pakistani cave, so it’s either shoe polish or the byproduct of a goat.
Further, he spends an inordinate amount of time discussing how Whoopi is wrong for The View.

2. Potentially not a Senator Larry Craig has rescinded the previous retraction of his originally withdrawn resignation – did I get that right? If he has this much trouble quitting a job after being found guilty of lewdness, no wonder he flaps around like a netted flounder when he’s taking a crap.

3. In a chemistry experiment gone horribly wrong, NBC has added noted liberal orator and occasional newsman Keith Olbermann to the regular on air team of Football Night in America. While it is refreshingly obvious that Chris Collinsworth, Bob Costas and Tiki Barber have no idea why he’s there, it’s equally obvious that former wide receiver Collinsworth finds Olbermann to be an unmitigated tool and that this feeling is mutually expressed. Tiki Barber kept looking at his co hosts with the clear intent of not misreading the teleprompter.

4. Fred Thompson has officially announced that he is now a candidate for the Presidency of the United States. In a dreadfully long announcement on his website and an appearance on the Tonight Show, the ursine former Senator tried to look presidential without looking like a district attorney, a fleet admiral or any of the other serious roles where’s he’s asked to imitate a figure of genuine authori…oh, I get it.

5. David Letterman, in a clear sign that he is the real king of late night, made international headlines by agreeing to be interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. The last time Jay Leno made news was when he announced his 2009 retirement. The next time he will make the news will be when that occurs.

6. Luciano Pavarotti died on Thursday; he was 71. There’s no joke here, of course and I sincerely hope (despite my own atheism) that he finds a corner of the afterlife with comfortable chairs and a good Alfredo sauce.

The Second Sinister Six

Okay, I think that we’re all a little tired of that “Sinister Whatever” thing now – if I weren’t such a lazy, uncaring baboon, I’d go back to think of something better.

Oh well…I took note of these, please check them out;

1. Diesel at Mattress Police has opened up another caption contest displaying not only his skills at Photoshop but his unending need to plaster his head all over his web site. Check it out and enter a possible caption. I understand that the winner gets a sack of Spanish gold. And no, despite having the perfect caption, I’m not playing. So there.

2. Chris C at Nothing to See Here gives us concise analysis of one of the most bizarre products I’ve ever seen. Really, this thing is messed up and, if I might add, an affront to Jeebus.

3. Mark Jabo at Get Incensed not only linked to me (a sign of tremendous wisdom) but also provided a nice series of video links to the late Luciano Pavarotti. It’s good stuff.

4. Over at The Frog Blog, The Frogster reminds us of the long and storied history of the Rutgers football program. I had no idea.

5. In a feature that strikes a chord with my former Catholicism, Joel at Crummy Church Signs reminded us all of the importance of the Blessed Sacraments; most notably, the Sacrament of Barbeque.

6. The ‘other’ Dan (ha!) of humor-blogs.com who runs the immensely popular Dan’s Blah Blah Blog tells us the chilling story of a terrifying encounter with The Beast. The suspense might kill you, so be careful.

Next Saturday, be sure to tune in (can you tune the interwebs?) for the next installment of The Sinister Saturday. There is a good chance slight chance some remote possibility that I’ll actually get off of my ass and write something.

But remember, this is for entertainment purposes only. Please, no wagering.

 

 

 

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Bathroom Sex: A Family Value.

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If you must have bathroom sex with a perfect stranger, try to do it in a private residence, secluded hotel or the screening of any Nicole Kidman film. Thus hidden, you know that your privacy is ensured. Unlike most of you, I have never had a sexual encounter with a United States Senator in the public washroom of the Minneapolis airport. While I have long frequented “hot-spot” airports for all sorts of fleshy indulgences (bacon-cheeseburgers, mostly) I have never scored a Senator.

Congratulations, Minneapolis Police Sergeant Dave Karsnia!!

If you own a television, a radio, or a telegraph office you already know that Senator Larry Craig (R-Extremely Conflicted) has recently been apprehended for attempting to solicit sex from an undercover police officer in Minneapolis. The afore-mentioned Sergeant apparently caught Senator Craig through the time-honored police tactic of having feet.

Senator Craig was convicted of misdemeanor lewdness but his charges for felony jackassery are still pending. Senator Craig is another ‘family values’ social conservative who has shown how much he values his family by seeking sex from someone who is not in it.

Craig was taken into custody after having an encounter with the feet of Sergeant Karsnia. According to reports, the Senator was a virtual orchestra of foot-tapping, toe-nudging, intra-potty eye contact and lascivious hand waving. Using their special Minnesota Vice enigma machines, the police deduced that Senator Craig was looking for some one-on-one personal man lovin’ in an industrial green bathroom stall.

This ritual is, apparently, against the law. Although, having watched many episodes of Law & Order, I am at a loss to understand what he was charged with. He did not have public sex; he did not even state that he wanted public sex. In fact, the wordless encounter was ended when Sergeant Karsnia – I’m not making this up - slid a card under the stall that read ‘POLICE’.

“LC: I sit down, um, to go to the bathroom and ah, you said our feet bumped. I believe they did, ah, because I reached down and scooted over and um, the next thing I knew, under the bathroom divider comes a card that says Police.”

In this case it seemed pretty effective, but it must be one of the most ludicrous ways to stop a suspect. In a hostage situation, a similar card should be raised up using balloons. But, since that’s a serious felony, the card should have an exclamation mark on it.

Craig should have responded with a card that said ‘BRIBE?’ Had he, I’m sure that the police would have appreciated his witty retort thus releasing him from the legal hook.

You might be expecting me to point out that Republicans have been very hard on Craig, practically tying him to an airplane in order to get him the hell out of office and out of DC. They’ve been harder on Craig, some might suggest, than on Louisiana Senator David Vitter, who was exposed as the client of DC area prostitutes. There is, you might opine, a double standard…

I won’t waste your time or my typing – Republicans will let you alone if you are caught snogging a hooker or are indicted for campaign fraud as long as you apologize and thank The Jeebus. But don’t be kissing the dudes.

What is of far more interest to me is the fact that after declaring his intent to resign on Saturday, Craig (having pleaded guilty) will now fight the matter in court and intends to remain in the Senate. As a humorist, this is the kind of thing that just makes life worth living. So as repayment to the Senator, I would like to suggest the following legal strategies. Each of these should be sufficient to get you back to sitting oddly in public bathrooms.

1. Toilet Dancing: while listening to the Mannheim Steamroller on his iPod, the Senator was overcome with the need to bust a move.
2. Alien Attack; unknown to Sergeant Karsnia a face hugger like that seen in the Aliens movies had entered the bathroom via an air duct. The Senator was trying to warn the Sergeant without alerting the alien fiend.
3. Struck by The Jeebus; as a deep man of faith (or man of deep faith) the Senator was doing full-body equivalent of speaking in tongues. Sadly, this happened while the Senator had dropped his pants and was on the crapper. Bad luck, Larry.
4. Saw a Spider; these scare the crap out of the Senator, and he was flinching in fear. Fortunately, this happened while the Senator had dropped his pants and was on the crapper.

Thank you, Senator Craig. Despite appearing grievously hypocritical and allegedly getting your bathroom funk on, you’re okay in my book.

Well, actually you’re not, but I’ll put you in Katherine Harris‘ box (oh man, did I actually type that?) and hope that you don’t go away. I’d much rather write about an imploding goo-sack such as yourself than just about anything else. Also, let’s face it, political figures of ridicule such as yourself and My Baby Katy are good for my traffic.

Don’t have bathroom sex!!! Go to Humor-Blogs.com instead!!