The Sinister Sunday.

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A day late, but still in time for titular alliteration (that sounds naughty…) welcome to the Sinister Saturday: The Special Sinister Sunday Edition!!! Man, I suck…really, I’m just awful.

As always – and now in its monumental second week – I will do a quick roll through the news that I liked, but did not like enough to use as the basis for a full post. Then, because I love each and every one of you like a precious desert flower, I will give a point to some blogs that I think that you must read if you are to flourish as a human person.

The Sinister Six

1. General David Petraeus testified before Congress. This means that Petraeus was subjected to eight-minute-long questions in both the House of Representatives and the Senate. Since he had a day in between sessions, the General was free to find more nuanced ways to avoid explaining failure. It says a great many things about American politics that the only decent question came from a very old man who is retiring. While the departing John Warner made Petraeus look like a grad student defending his thesis, Barack Obama asked a question so lengthy that it appeared to be a campaign speech. Oh wait, I get it…

2. Bill Belichick, coach of the NFL’s New England Patriots and a bona fide Sith Lord was fined $500 000 for allowing his staff to film the defensive coaches of the New York Jets. The New York Jets? The Jets needed to be cheated to lose in the same was that you’d need to trick a squeegee guy to take your money. Word is that Bill was so upset that he trashed the training facility with purple lightning.

3.OJ “I’m not a vicious murderer” Simpson was arrested for a crime that is not going to become a really terrible book; apparently trying to retrieve some of his personal memorabilia from a casino. After all, a guy who didn’t murder his wife would have no reason to sell signed bits of crap under the table to avoid the thirty billion dollar civil penalty pinned on him when he didn’t have Johnny Cochrane in the room. Of course, given OJ’s history with the law, it would never occur to him that he’d be able to commit a crime and get away with it.

4. Since I waited until Sunday to write this, I got to see John McCain (R-Old and Busted) debate John Kerry (D-Dead and Loving It) debate on Meet the Press. This was a cruel joke. Of the two, Kerry was clearly the more concise as he knew full well that he would not win the upcoming presidential election.
5. A decidedly less than toned Britney Spears performed at the VMAs. Looking bloated and slightly confused, Spears appauled. While the reviews were bad, I can honestly say that she did not soil herself. There’s always and upside, people…

6. In a story that we know involves a woman soiling herself, the astronaut who traveled across the US in a diaper was commended by Buzz Aldrin for her resolve. We now have far more insight into what you do for kicks after have been to the moon.

You will no doubt be thrilled to visit some of this week’s blogs that tickled my fancy. As always, please drop in on them and give a visit to humor-blogs.com.

The Second Sinister Six

1. Howard, benevolent proprietor of The Web Pen Blog gives us some video goodness in the form of the latest from They Might Be Giants. This is serious nostalgia for me, and serves as a reminder of the dangers of writing your politics to music instead of adding a dash of politics into a song.
2. Ev Nucci, the mistress of My Life is Murphy’s Law has landed here, but potentially for the wrong reasons. There is some evidence that she might have stolen my favorite fountain pen. That pen really tied the room together.
3. I was going to give Karl Wolfbrooks at Faking Smart! a shout for saying things about Brett Favre, but instead, I wanted to highlight this newer and far creepier post. Creepier than the Green Bay Packers? Yup.
4. Just A Cool Cat proposes the best mandate for NASA leadership that I have heard of since the demise of Mars Direct. However, Mr. Cat, what about the limes? Where do the limes go?
5. Brent at The Ominous Comma (probably my favorite blog name ever…) announces with linguistic dexterity, that he has been named to the elite brotherhood of the… Go read the damn thing yourself.
6. While I normally don’t read book reviews, Aunt Bea at Central Snark offers one worth the time. Apparently a grave mistake was made, and the terrible and all powerful Diesel was asked for his two cents. The tragic result is a fine read.

 

 

 

 

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The Sinister Saturday

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Like many of my colleagues at humor-blogs.com, I’ve decided to flag down the week’s blogs I noticed and unlike many of them, I’ve also gathered news items that I took note of, but couldn’t muster the brain wattage to write a full post on. If I don’t get to you, don’t assume that I don’t care; just blame it on my addiction to old-people vitamins.

The Sinister Six

1. Osama bin Laden has released a new video but I couldn’t really focus since I kept wondering :
A) Why is he still alive?
B) How he thought that no one would notice that he had chosen to dye his beard? May Allah, we praise him, bless you in the holy Jihad and here’s some Just for Men. Wait…what? It occurs to me that you probably can’t buy commercial hair coloring in a Pakistani cave, so it’s either shoe polish or the byproduct of a goat.
Further, he spends an inordinate amount of time discussing how Whoopi is wrong for The View.

2. Potentially not a Senator Larry Craig has rescinded the previous retraction of his originally withdrawn resignation – did I get that right? If he has this much trouble quitting a job after being found guilty of lewdness, no wonder he flaps around like a netted flounder when he’s taking a crap.

3. In a chemistry experiment gone horribly wrong, NBC has added noted liberal orator and occasional newsman Keith Olbermann to the regular on air team of Football Night in America. While it is refreshingly obvious that Chris Collinsworth, Bob Costas and Tiki Barber have no idea why he’s there, it’s equally obvious that former wide receiver Collinsworth finds Olbermann to be an unmitigated tool and that this feeling is mutually expressed. Tiki Barber kept looking at his co hosts with the clear intent of not misreading the teleprompter.

4. Fred Thompson has officially announced that he is now a candidate for the Presidency of the United States. In a dreadfully long announcement on his website and an appearance on the Tonight Show, the ursine former Senator tried to look presidential without looking like a district attorney, a fleet admiral or any of the other serious roles where’s he’s asked to imitate a figure of genuine authori…oh, I get it.

5. David Letterman, in a clear sign that he is the real king of late night, made international headlines by agreeing to be interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. The last time Jay Leno made news was when he announced his 2009 retirement. The next time he will make the news will be when that occurs.

6. Luciano Pavarotti died on Thursday; he was 71. There’s no joke here, of course and I sincerely hope (despite my own atheism) that he finds a corner of the afterlife with comfortable chairs and a good Alfredo sauce.

The Second Sinister Six

Okay, I think that we’re all a little tired of that “Sinister Whatever” thing now – if I weren’t such a lazy, uncaring baboon, I’d go back to think of something better.

Oh well…I took note of these, please check them out;

1. Diesel at Mattress Police has opened up another caption contest displaying not only his skills at Photoshop but his unending need to plaster his head all over his web site. Check it out and enter a possible caption. I understand that the winner gets a sack of Spanish gold. And no, despite having the perfect caption, I’m not playing. So there.

2. Chris C at Nothing to See Here gives us concise analysis of one of the most bizarre products I’ve ever seen. Really, this thing is messed up and, if I might add, an affront to Jeebus.

3. Mark Jabo at Get Incensed not only linked to me (a sign of tremendous wisdom) but also provided a nice series of video links to the late Luciano Pavarotti. It’s good stuff.

4. Over at The Frog Blog, The Frogster reminds us of the long and storied history of the Rutgers football program. I had no idea.

5. In a feature that strikes a chord with my former Catholicism, Joel at Crummy Church Signs reminded us all of the importance of the Blessed Sacraments; most notably, the Sacrament of Barbeque.

6. The ‘other’ Dan (ha!) of humor-blogs.com who runs the immensely popular Dan’s Blah Blah Blog tells us the chilling story of a terrifying encounter with The Beast. The suspense might kill you, so be careful.

Next Saturday, be sure to tune in (can you tune the interwebs?) for the next installment of The Sinister Saturday. There is a good chance slight chance some remote possibility that I’ll actually get off of my ass and write something.

But remember, this is for entertainment purposes only. Please, no wagering.

 

 

 

If John Wayne could, he’d Go to Humor-Blogs.com !!

I’ll Promise You the Moon

Now that I’ve got a modest body of work on this blog, I have been horrified to discover that I seem to have standards. As such, I feel the need to put some genuine effort into my columns.

While I may be perfectly justified in writing, “When the President talks, it’s like a dog pooping…” this would not meet the requirements that I self apply as a pundit. Most importantly, it’s much too short – only nine words when I usually aim for about eight hundred. I can only bulk that up so much by adding that the dog is a malamute, or perhaps a hilarious dachshund-St Bernard mix. Even if I added two additional modes of bodily egress and three more species of pet, that still tops out at about a buck and a quarter at best.

Not that I’m aiming to replace the New York Times, although they also appear to share length as the only criterion for publication. An obvious distinction between the Times and me is that in addition to being even more convinced that I am the center of the universe, you know ahead of time that I’m making all of my columns up as I go. You won’t need to investigate me, Jim; I rang that bell when I breezed in through the swinging doors.

The most important standard I have is regularity; my last attempts at blogging failed because I never made time for it. Like an idiot I was concentrating on things like my family or my career when I could have been cluttering up teh internets with columns about the fleshy, bloviating pod-person who so ably represents the Catholics of the United States.

On the other hand, I come up with plenty of ideas that can never be sufficiently fluffed to make it to the aluminum-standard of eight hundred words. Combining these truths I have decided to take these lemons (rather than whine and bleat) and make lemonade in tiny, tiny cups.

So, it’s with no pleasure at all that I present to you the first installment of “Bits of Stuff I Thought I Might Write About Eventually”;

Volume One. (pronounced; [boh-zee-tim-way], tell your friends).

I. As a sure sign of the ongoing mental decline that starts after every Super Bowl and speeds me drooling and smearing my food on the walls into the pre-season, I watched the live coverage of the NFL Scouting Combine.

For those of you who have never seen this, it’s three-hundred pro football prospects who work out, run fast and jump for an unidentified gang of older men. If this were college-aged women cavorting about, this stuff would be rolling behind the opening credits of a porn movie.

While I won’t make a lot of suggestions to the Combine, I will propose that all prospects for the position of middle linebacker emulate the great Lawrence Taylor and break Joe Theisman’s leg. This would also provide the ancillary benefit of keeping Joe the hell off of ESPN.

II. As a sure sign of my more general, ongoing mental decline I watched snippets of the hearing to determine who gets to bury the remains of Anna Nicole Smith. The first thing I hope is that someone takes all of the money and sends the baby girl to the distant suburbs of Neptune so that she can grow up halfway normal.

I was never a fan of the fried chicken waitress from Mexia, Texas but barring a Viking funeral pyre held next Dick Clark’s Rocking New Year’s Eve, I can’t imagine anything more exploitative than this. Maybe next time they’ll get a real judge and not some guy who thinks he’s Alan Arkin.

Finally I think the participants of any legal proceeding should aim for much higher and principled ground. I’d suggest that jurists emulate the brilliant and incomparable Chief Justice Thurgood Marshall, and break Joe Theisman’s leg.

III. I watched the Oscars last night (thank you for asking, but I’ll be fine) and it occurs to me that I’d much rather attend the Scientific and Technical awards where they have a very pretty actress (2006; Maggie Gyllenhaal, 2005;  Rachel McAdams, 2004;  Scarlett Johansson) host a dinner and ceremony for a group of geeks so alarming that they will no longer even show clips for the Sci-Tech awards on broadcast television.

Initially I assumed that Maggie, Rachel and Scarlett must have drawn the short straw for each of their respective years. I know now that this is the one room in the universe where they can be absolutely positive that no one will hit on them. At best, these guys would be rendered insensible by such beauty and mumble something about “…Skittles for pretty girl…” and then return to the lab in order to assist Professor Nerdlinger in completing the Interplexing Formal-Wear Removatron.

IV. When the President talks, it’s like a dog pooping.

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