I’m With Stupid.

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I thought that I was done; finished with the millstone of writing a blog. I had grieved (mostly by eating pudding), accepted my loss (by learning to make pudding) and moved on (by using my pudding as crack-fill after tasting it). But since the world is a large sphere, a notoriously vindictive shape, I have been forced back.

Why? The stupid sings to me. I can hear its song.

Admittedly, it’s a song that sounds like a loop of Goofy saying “gorsh!” while an energized accordion is dropped into a vat of oatmeal, but it is a song nonetheless.

This may be my new purpose for this space, because my old purpose…well, frankly it wasn’t worth a pinch of hammered shit. In retrospect, I cannot even identify it.

Maybe that’s why I stopped showing up.

But now I will listen to the song, and I will tell you what it says.

Yesterday, the song was loud as thousands gathered all across the United States to take part in Tax Day protests. This in itself is not that unusual because taxes rate somewhere near Lindsay Lohan as being universally objectionable. However, this year the protests were especially musical because they were, we are told, the Start of a Grassroots Movement.

I took part in a Grassroots Movement once, but it was only because I ate lawn clippings.

That’s a poo joke, incidentally.

This Grassroots Movement was to be a new chapter in the American experience, when people gathered, in an unrivaled populist throb to relate the opposition of the ‘silent majority’ to the fiscal policies of President Obama.

Neither ‘silent’ nor ‘majority’ are being used correctly in this context.

As a parent of young children, I equate all protests with a collective, slow moving tantrum. A five year old who absolutely must have the yellow fork with the green plate at the picnic and CANNOT POSSIBLE EAT ON ANYTHING ELSE BLEEYAAAAAAH… makes about as much sense as any political activism requiring a mob.

But what they lack in coherence, thought or argument, they make up for with crappy signs. Having studied the information carefully for as long as it took for my panini press to finish ruining a perfectly good sandwich, I have identified the following harmonies within the symphony of stupid:

1. The Rhythmically Obvious; Because they are conservatives and libertarians and whatever the hell the people from Texas are, they still think that it’s 1982 in The Republic of Gilead. As such, they don’t know that to ‘teabag’ someone means to rest your scrotum on their face. Har, har, that’s naughty. Now shut up about it, MSNBC.

2. The Melodiously Dull; The federal debt of the US has been increased to help stimulate the economy. This will result in the destruction of prosperity of future generations. This is true of course, it would be better to resort to soup-lines and Thunder Dome style justice sooner rather than later. Just don’t tell them that the highest income tax bracket was 94 percent during World War II and that this was followed by the greatest economic expansion on American history.

3. The Harmoniously Ignorant: Americans clearly have no idea what in the hell socialism actually means. Try paying 60 percent income tax and slaving your life away in the Agnetha Fältskog Memorial Lingonberry Jam Collective and then see what you think, Jimmy Arkansas.

4. The Chorus of the Simple; Many tax protesters appear to be unaware of, or are unwilling to accept the acceptance of Hawaii into the Union in 1959. As a result, the citizenship of any Hawaiian born person is highly suspect. Obviously, this poses serious problems for everyone on Magnum, PI.

5. The Guitar Solo of Unrelated Topics; The TV is on in the background and they’re showing the episode of Star Trek: Voyager where the holographic Doctor makes a holographic family. This is either the worst thing I’ve ever seen, or there was a writer’s strike on at the time and the script was improvised by the guys with the gaffer tape.

6. The Crescendo of Creeping Paranoia; While most people understand the meaning of “taxation without representation” and “armed insurrection”, our pals at the Tea Party protests are not so lucky. Because of all the whacky, good-natured fun the Governor of Texas is busting open the secession meme and a few people want to hang some members of Congress just for hoots and giggles.

What fun! A veritable panoply of laughs! Of course, unlike the Revolution or the Civil War, most Americans have at least heard of Twitter; and that’ll have to help.

The kids love Twitter. The feed from Andersonville will totally bury Ashton Kutcher.

This particular song of stupidity protesting a big federal government took place almost entirely in public parks.

Good work, Einstein.

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Tags: obama, secession, socialism, taxes, tea bags, tea party, teabaggers, teabagging, texas