It’s the Stupid Economy, Stupid.

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I was twitchy like goldfish to make up some stuff about the farewell address by President Bush. However I was resolute in my inclination to take on a topic that would not require me to watch the President maul the English language one last time. According to media sources, the speech is scheduled to last thirteen minutes.

For a President, this is brief.

In thirteen minutes, President Clinton could only begin to explain why having some pogo time with a thick-bodied intern was actually just the exercise of making a recess appointment.

President Lincoln won the battle of First Antietam in just under twelve minutes, but he had a lightsaber which he did not take to Ford’s Theater. If he had, George Lucas would never have made those prequels.

In twelve minutes, John Quincy Adams could twice ‘powder his wig’…if you know what I mean.

Of far greater importance is the current state of the economy.

It’s bad, Jim.

What began as a poker game between the CEOs of Bear-Stearns and AIG has turned into a problem for everyone. Unlike your poverty, corporate poverty is freely ejaculated across the economic strata until it becomes…well, it becomes your poverty again.

Now soggy with corporate ejaculate, you may be wondering what you ought to do.

This economic ass bomb has sent a runny, steamy sluice of the world’s money down the crapper. Credit is scarcer than people willing to see Nicole Kidman movies and the cost of basic commodities is fluctuating like the emotions of a 16-year old emo girl. The stock markets of the world, the global trough of general funds now makes less sense than the last season of Lost.

So what are you to do? Other than drinking, may I suggest:

1. Don’t Despair – This is good advice for two reasons. Firstly, no one will hear you as they jump out of buildings or burn their retirement plan statements to keep warm. Secondly, if you really were in Dire Straits, you’d be rich and laughing off of your ass. Let’s face it, if you had a piece of over 120 million album sales you would be using a fifty dollar bill to light a cigar made of thousand dollar bills; you’d eat dinosaur egg omelets for breakfast and a plate of pure sunshine for lunch. Your money would be for nothing.

2. Get a Camera – If the old saying is true and a picture is worth a thousand words, then taking pictures of your money should more or less be a sure bet. For example, if you were to take a trio of five dollar bills and photograph them, you would have enough money to go to a car dealership and get arrested for being a loon.

3. Printers are Gold – At times like this, people are always complaining that the government should not “print more money”. The fear is that for each dollar printed, existing dollars will lose value. This is all well and good for economics professors and other academic, lab coat-wearing geeks who use particle colliders, but let’s face some reality. If the people in power could keep track of money – and I mean no more than having a general idea what mattress it’s under – this problem would never have happened in the first place. Seven hundred and fifty trillion dollars were placed in the emergency TARP fund back in September, just go ahead and try to find it.

Not only do I suggest that you print your own money, but I suggest that you don’t even try to make it look like real money. If anyone asks, just tell the blathering, busybody questioner that these are emergency dollars and as such, there was no time to have them properly printed.

3a. You’re too poor to buy a printer – steal one.

4. Donkeys! – Properly trained, your donkey can find Treasury Secretary Paulson and give him a withering kick in the pills.

5. Destroy Your Television – The twenty four hour news extruder will provide you with maniacal pundits who cannot get through a sentence on the economy without spitting. The “stories” that they report will be about families with thirteen children who sold little Billy to Wal-Mart in order to get another six dollars. By the time they are done with you, the situation will seem so hopeless and despondent that you will take your ATM card and bury it in the back yard. Not only is this a bad idea because you need an ATM card to jimmy locks, but since your house is being foreclosed, the dude from the bank will find it when he plants his face in the dirt to eat worms and muck.

Now that you know these rules, send me fifty bucks, but don’t think it over too hard.

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