Of Tyrants and Boobies.

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For weeks this space has remained largely unchanged; haunting and beautiful like a petrified forest. This is not mysterious since this author is a huge, slothful creature unwilling to drag itself from the labyrinthine caves of its birth and into the harsh light of having to write second third rate sarcasm.

Upon lifting its leviathan bulk from the Sinister underworld, what does it find?

An assload of Google searches for TV chefs with big boobs – that’s what.

There are some readers of The Reasonable Ego who are interested in basting their own tenderloin to images of a select number of mammary-intensive television chefs. In the past, searches have been entered for Christine Cushing, Giada De Laurentiis, Laura Calder and a few others.

There have been no inquiries for naked pictures of Alton Brown even though he has the best food show ever.

It would be an obvious ploy to post pictures of the these women seductively pulling a pork shoulder or deep frying funnel cakes while their come-hither stare longingly taunts the camera and their low cut attire strains to contain its warm, fleshy cargo.

It is so obvious in fact that it might just happen in order to boost the traffic for this site.

None of these others culinary succubi, statuesque though they may be, float in the same rarefied air as British TV epicurean Nigella “Thunder of Love” Lawson. For every naughty Google of Giada leaning waaaaay over to open the oven, a dozen voices cry out to this page to see Nigella make pudding in the nude. In one day there were sixty-two searches for the front-facing mammalian chest globes of Nigella, daughter of the Baron Lawson of Blaby.

It should be noted that on the same day, the only other search was for the new Star Trek movie; this really sums up the entire internet if you think about it.

Often referred to as the Queen of Gastroporn and only rarely as the Queen of Gastropods, Nigella is a Rubenesque, voluptuous sex symbol and there is no doubt that scores of fans are praying for a personal encounter in which Nigella would…um….fry their bacon.

…crispy, savory, delicious bacon…

Sorry, this author is on a diet.

A dangerous trend looms that might impair the ability of those twisted, instawebs-searching drool engines to find lascivious pictures of Nigella Lawson and her ridiculous bosom in print, on the internets and in formats of all types.

As with most global problems this one, of course, originates in Sweden.

Under the tyrannical heel of King Carl XVI Gustav and his parliamentary lapdog, Prime Minister Fredrik Reinfeldt, the people of this cloistered and backward nation have long toiled at the reindeer farms, the herring pools and even the dreaded knäckebröd mines for the pleasure of their pale, sneering overlords.

As if that weren’t bad enough, and it is not, they are now being oppressed even further by having the government monitor the sexual parity of advertisements. In a program managed by Sweden’s Trade Ethical Council against Sexism in Advertising, persons may report adverts that they find to be sexist.

While the article in question is not clear on this, it is not specifically spelled out that the adverts need to be offensive or obscene, but merely sexist. Sexism is certainly in the eye of the beholder. The deluge of ads featuring stupid, fat husbands and hot, smart wives leap to mind, but those do not seem worthy of a government hotline.

The example attached to the article is this:

How could any thinking person find this to be sexist? All that is featured in this photo is a pair of hyper-sexualized breasts devoid of any meaningful, human context being used solely to entice drooling male consumers to purchase more fizzy beverages, car lock de-icer or whatever the hell the boobies want you to buy.

If you are old enough, you will remember the days before boobies were employed primarily to tell you what to think. In that dark era, all ads were either for Ovaltine or Palmolive Soap Flakes. The only medium for the pitch were chain-smoking white mean in horrible suits and hair that weighed as much as Hulk Hogan because of a lifelong abuse of Pomade.

Nobody should have Edward R. Murrow sell them deodorant.

But if the Swedes have their way, the boobies will no longer be allowed to talk to you in the media. Today they are targeting advertisements but how long before Nigella becomes a target?

If it is unacceptable for boobies to tell you what to buy, how is it permitted for boobies to tell you what to eat? The freedom to watch undulating curves and mounds of Nigella preparing Spatchcocked Birds is in peril – and what creeping repressions lay beyond?

The terrorists have won.

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Filed under Blogging, Food, Media, New Ego, Teh Internets, nigella lawson, sweden

Tags: advertising, boobies, nanny state, nigella lawson, sexism, sweden