806PM EST
McCain wins another state – South Carolina remains red with about as much a surprise as a fat guy hitting the buffet for seconds.
Other than that – nothing. As such, I will make up my own results.
Indiana - McCain wins this state by six thousand percent.
Hawaii - Obama is declared King after calming the volcanoes with a heartfelt rendition of ‘Werewolves of London’. 
Pennsylvania - A shocker! The write in candidacy of Krusty the Klown leaves me speechless.
A historic night indeed.
In real events, the Huffington Post apparently stole my idea that the anchors had cheat sheets from exit polls indicating a huge Obama win. They owe me a dollar, I guess.
Of course, they then also explain that exit polls are no more useful than ‘virgin’ cocktails at the Kennedy compound.
So take it for what it’s worth.
In a few minutes a giant wad of states – 15 in total – will be hacked up from the throat of the Republic. Grab a tissue and get ready.
Hold the phone, Obabma has just won the Soviet Republic of Massachusetts, Maine, New Jersey, and some other lefty states that we all knew were going to The Obama.
In real news (sorry) he just won Pennsylvania and New Hampshire. McCain really needed those if he wants to beat “that one”.
Early news bites your worm…
