I really hope that Barack Obama doesn’t announce his choice for vice-president before I finish writing this. If he does, I’m going to become an American citizen just so I can think I’m going to vote for McCain and then change my mind at the last moment and vote for Obama, because if I vote for him we can become pals, and when we are pals I can betray him by making sweet, sweet love to his tall, lean a sultry partner in life; 
Senator Joe Biden.
It now seems all but certain that in the next few hours that Biden, the Senator from Delaware (motto: Keep Going, You Can Make Philly By Nightfall!) and foreign affairs big-shot (he once dated Anwar Sadat) will be named as the candidate for Vice President.
Incidentally, I have typed Vice President about three times and it’s not that hard. Say “Vice President” out loud for me…see? It’s not hard to say, either.
So could someone tell me why do we need to constantly be assaulted by news-persons constantly flittering out the abbreviation ‘veep’? Are they hurting themselves by uttering those extra three syllables? Are they wasting time that they could use to tell us that Brangelina have opened a new movie or eaten another damn orphan? Do they pay cable news pundits so little that they need to save their strength at every opportunity so that they can work nights mining hair care products in the caverns under the New York subway system?
No, they damn well don’t. So why, when I am already being assaulted by internet people who cannot spell the words ‘all right’ and liberal arts graduates who can’t speak in complete sentences must I also bee subjected to fashion-model-looking college sophomores posing as newsreaders who have to chirp like big-haired canaries incessantly until all I can hear is a never-ending chorus of: “Veep! Veepstakes! Veep! Veepstakes! Veep! Veepstakes!”?
There’s no answer for that, well there is but it makes no sense. The answer? Gaffer tape.
See?
Anyway, Obama is apparently going to pick Biden which will be met with a huge chorus of ‘who is Joe Biden?’ by the populace of the world. As a service to no one in particular, I will now endeavor to break down the life of Joe Biden before I either get distracted or run out of words.
Early Life
Joe Biden has no childhood as he was born out of the vat that was used to breed northeastern Democrats all through the 1940s. When ejected from his pod, he started doing something, somewhere that he could parlay into a seat in the Senate. While there is no firm evidence either way, rumors persist that he invented the 
Waffle Cone. This makes him at least as prepared for the vice-presidency as John C Calhoun who had previously been a dust mop.
Politics
Biden entered politics and then proceeded to talk a lot. Now I know that you are thinking that all politicians talk a lot, but Joe Biden is their chatty overlord. In a marathon of fine-tuning a position, Biden once expended over forty three thousand words while ordering a whistle dog.
Foreign Relations Committee
Biden came to national prominence by serving as chair of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. In addition to procuring foreigner for the Senate to have relations with, Biden’s tenure gave him to opportunity to showcase some of the most interesting hair in all of modern politics.
Joe Biden (and this is why he won’t be the vice presidential nominee) is most bald. However, with the assistance of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, William Shatner and a grant from Boeing, Senator Biden has executed one of the most successful ‘comb-backs’ since the Senate allowed for advanced coiffures in 
1964.
Presidential Ambitions
Like all Senators, Biden has wanted to be President. Unlike most Senators, Biden has actually tried and been relatively unsuccessful. In 2007, while campaigning in the Iowa Caucuses, Biden was thrice mistaken for the assistant manager of the Hotel Six where he was staying and only got one vote. That vote was later determined to be an old get well card that Biden had received from Senator Joe Lieberman after Lieberman pushed Biden down the stairs in front of the Capitol.
Miscellany
- According to his publicist, Senator Biden not only has “a way with words” but is a “talented and aggressive kisser”.
- An embarrassed Senator Biden had to pay the Wilmington Red Cross $1200 dollars after cleaning out their soup kitchen in what he believed was a competitive eating event and fundraiser for his 1996 re-election campaign.
- Smells like cookies.
- Of all the Senators named ‘Joe’, Biden is the only one also named ‘Biden”.
Obama has yet to announce…that means I have to post this. Sorry.
12 Comments
22 August , 2008 at 9:54 pm
I think it was Matthew McConaughey who said it best when he uttered (muttered?) “alright alright alright.”
22 August , 2008 at 10:31 pm
Some of us are old enough–not me, mind you–to remember Biden from the Anita Hill hearings. Next to Hillary, he rocks.
I’m awaiting my text message from Obama.
24 August , 2008 at 2:59 pm
You certainly did call it!
25 August , 2008 at 12:30 pm
Veep comes from a culture that watches movies like T2, ID4, MI3, and my favorite D2 & D3 (Mighty Ducks 2&3).
25 August , 2008 at 12:42 pm
I hope McCain has had his shots. Biden is sharpening his fangs so he can sink his teeth deep into ol’John’s butt. The thought of which makes me a little ill.
28 August , 2008 at 9:07 am
Joe Biden will devour your children in broad daylight!
28 August , 2008 at 5:17 pm
As long as Firefox doesn’t underline “alright” with a red squiggly line, then it’s a word in my book.
30 August , 2008 at 1:00 am
I couldn’t help but notice, because I’m all about me, that you said “who can’t speak in complete sentences must I also bee subjected to fashion-model-looking-”… dood! I’s told ya’ I’s dixlicksick!
30 August , 2008 at 1:02 am
It looks like John Calhoun would hate just about anything. Did he suck on a lime before that portrait?
30 August , 2008 at 9:40 am
It’s a little know fact, but Calhoun was also a three-time winner of the Worst Beard in America Cup.
I’m not sure I needed to know that Biden was a talented and aggressive kisser, but now that I do, the knowledge will haunt me.
31 August , 2008 at 4:23 am
Because ‘veep’ is new, trendy and happening. Full words are just ridiculous! Get with the times.
6 September , 2008 at 9:13 pm
I’m still waiting for Obama to announce who his running will be. Of course my TV is on the fritz, so maybe you can give us the update when you find out.
But seriously, I don’t know who your sources are, but if the knuckleheads on the news networks had yours along with your incredible way with words, I might switch my TV viewing away from the Game Show channel once in a while.
I loved this post. Bravo, Mr. Wordsmith.