Science Fer Yer Brain : Part One

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Science is serious business; Serious. Damn. Business. If you don’t believe me ask the guys who produce NOVA for PBS. When they use serious computer graphics of string and some M&Ms to show you how Niels Bohr got the atom all wrong, you had better damned well be impressed. Like the Roman Church of old, they will wring respect from your defiance. Unlike the Roman Church of old, they will do it with a documentary narrated by the guy who played Mike Hammer.

That’s right, Mike Hammer. Stacey frikkin’ Keach – dude has done time, so watch it, Luddite.

For reasons I can no longer even begin to contemplate, I apparently asked some of you to give me science questions so that my giant, throbbing, majestic brain could spasm forth mucilaginous gushes of knowledge that would befoul your furniture and leave stains of smartness on your shirt.

Baffled at why I just wrote that last sentence, I’ll also explain that the questions are more or less (less, really) being answered in order of popularity based on a poll in a previous post.

1. Reader, you-said-it-i’m-the-jesus asks: My question is twofold. Is Scientology a faith-based religion or a science-based cult?Secondly, how does Tom Cruise continue to get work?

Scientology is neither a religion (no funny hats) nor a cult (they’re not fans of Arrested Development). Scientology was conceived as a weight control group support group for John Travolta. Based on the writings of a bad science fiction author who pretended that he was an Admiral, Scientology is an example of what might happen if Star Trek fans received tax-exempt status. However, as most Star Trek fans would point out, their franchise would never have churned out anything as awful as Battlefield Earth.

Tom Cruise continues to get work based on the Michael Jackson Principle of Increased Befuddlement. From this principle, we know that once a celebrity has reached a certain level of obvious mental defect, the ‘system’ will allow them to keep a few token projects in production in the hopes that they will eventually show up on YouTube in a diaper, eating cat food and mumbling about the FBI. Incidentally, I think that this is the plot of Cruise’s movie Valkyrie.

2. Bee of ‘Bee’s Musings‘ stated: “No yak poop, elephant dung.”

While not strictly a question, this raises an important syllogistic exercise known as Linguistic Reduction of Predicate through which highly conceptual statements are reduced to their actual meaning. It can be a bit confusing, so allow me to demonstrate;

No yak poop, elephant dung -> no elephant dung, hobo droppings -> no hobo droppings, accountant teeth -> no accountant teeth, ledger entries -> no ledger entries, meaningless numbers -> no meaningless numbers, blog word count -> no blog word count, this is all filler.

It’s extremely useful.

3. Liz C of ‘Anyway I was Just Thinking‘ inquired: Does ethanol suck? If so, why? Show your work.

Ethanol or ethyl alcohol is widely viewed as a substitute or supplement for gasoline. As the price of oil increases based on any random fact that seems remotely plausible to the greedy bastards who sell oil, this becomes a more pressing issue. It is widely thought that ethyl alcohol is harvested from corn; it is not.

Ethyl alcohol (the same alcohol used in lovely adult beverages) is actually harvested from ground up college students who drink themselves into delirium and fall asleep while waiting to be served at Denny’s, IHOP and any other place that insists on serving breakfast all day long. The term ‘ethanol’ derives from ‘Ethyl Hamilton’ who, in 1967, was crushed into a paste using a giant mortar and pestle at the Pancake Shack in Alton, Illinois.

So, since I’m not willing to sacrifice the youth of today for a lower price at the pump, I must conclude that ethanol does suck (as did Ethyl Hamilton, I’m told). And I will not show you my ‘work’. I don’t do porn, but thanks for asking.

4. Mental Mist solicited the following block of knowing: ‘What is anti-matter, and why does it matter?’

Anti-matter is the matter used to build an anti-Pope. The first genuine anti-matter Pope was Pedro Martínez de Luna who was elected anti-matter Pope in Avignon in March of 1378. This lead to what physicists call the Great Western Schism of the Catholic Church.

For decades, Catholics of opposing spin and charge would randomly meet across Europe and mutually annihilate, causing extensive damage to the vital industries of being dirty peasants and being subjugated dirty peasants. This crisis was not resolved until the Council of Constance in 1414.

It is known that in the future, anti-popes are used to power starships.

5. Diesel, lord and master of my corner of the interwebz got bonus points because he rightly whined that I truncated his question. Fully stated, it wondered: Would you rather be subjected to a current with high amps and low voltage, low amps and high voltage, or a Paul Reiser film festival?

This is a really great question and I’m going to break my response down into four sections of intense, syrupy, comedic nectar.

First we need to consider that…hold on.

Microsoft Word tells me that I’m almost out of words, so we’ll have to wait for Part 2 for the thrilling answer to Diesel’s inquiry. Sorry, fuel-oil guy.

Since I now have some extra space, I’d like to shout out the re-launch of humorbloggers.com where I am now listed. There’s going to be free, vegetarian riblets, so go there now!

If you think that this didn’t suck, please go to Humor-Blogs.com and rate this post.

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