The 2009 Buyer’s Guide to New Onions.

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There is Latin warning to all consumers; let the buyer beware. Caveat Emptor (literal translation; ‘my cravat has deflated’) has remained with us because it makes sense – they even mentioned it on Star Trek. With a global energy crisis, and the French President marrying a retired super model, there has never been a time to be more careful before buying your new onion.

Every summer, big, glossy publications like ‘Bulb and Alliums’ release their new model issues where we are inundated with sexy photos of breakthrough onions that seem too good to be true. Of course, when they seem thus, they invariable are – despite nude pictures of the French President’s wife. As a service to the readers of The Reasonable Ego, I am happy to present our first Buyer’s Guide.

The First Step: What’s On the Market?

Onions are everywhere. It is estimated that for every person in North America, there are over twenty onions and that their population is expected to increase by as much as 400 million in the next ten years.

Correction: That’s pigeons, not onions.

But if those pigeons came after our onions, that’s serious trouble. So, onion selection is even more important than it was at the end of the first paragraph. Remember the following:

- An informed buyer is a better buyer.
- A better buyer eating popcorn is a better buttery buyer.
- A better buttery buyer from Antwerp would be a better buttery Belgian buyer and those guys have forgotten more about onions than you will ever know.

Here’s their list;

1. The Yellow Onion; This the onion that your father bought you when you got out of high school and were good about cleaning your room. This onion holds a native comfort level but is about as interesting as a John Grisham novel. Reliable and with no surprises, this is the conservative onion of choice (unless John McCain wins the Presidency).

2. The Vidalia; This is the Whore of Onions. Tasty and attractive, the Vidalia will never say no. Her papery layers are open to the suggestive peeling of even the most obnoxious of gastronomes. Since this is a promiscuous onion, it should not be used near married persons, children or desperate sugar-daddies. Anyone cooking with a Vidalia should wear a condom. Upgrades for 2009 include new breeds that are slightly more intelligent than Jessica Simpson.

3. The Shallot; Sometimes called a mix between an onion and a garlic clove; this tiny, pink monster is an abomination and should be avoided at all costs. Had God intended for onions and garlic to breed, he’d have let them grow naturally somehow.

4. The Barack Obonion; A new, German entry, this onion dares to hope. At present, no one knows what it actually tastes like.

5. The Parsnip: After the First Vatican Council in 1970, it was concluded by Pope Pius IX that the layers of an onion were an affront to the Holy Trinity. Further, onions caused weeping, and only God should do that. As a result the carrot was brought forth as a suitable replacement. His Holiness was disgusted by the bright orange hue and compared it to the “engorged sexual regions of a baboon”. A parsnip, the ‘whitey carrot’ was brought in as a last minute replacement and pronounced an onion, ex cathedra.

6. The Spanish Onion; Often passed off as a slightly upscale Yellow Onion, avoid this trickster at all costs. Unknown to most and unique among its kind, the Spanish onion is a carnivore. Beware.

7. The Red Onion; On the political left, this onion is popular. But seriously, communism failed – read a history book and move on, Trotsky.

8. Green Onions, Scallions and Leeks; These are not onions at all, but rather slick attempts to get legalized marijuana into the supermarket. Good with brownies.

9. Pearl Onions; These are also not onions; they are the eyes of blind people, harvested after death. Yumm-o!

The Second Step: Gauging Performance.

The test platform was a Sanatec polyethylene cutting board equipped with drainage grooves and a custom, non slip base. Using two Shun professional knives (25cm, 15cm) and the 18cm Shun Chinese cleaver, we put these bulbs to the test.

When tested side by side, the Vidalia out-performed all of its peers with the Red onion coming in a distant second. Even with resolution set to 1920 x 1200 and anti-aliasing cranked to 16, the Vidalia was still running at a decent frame rate in stews, broths, chili and several roasted applications. However, on ice and snow, the Vidalia tended to become rigid and unsafe well before the hardier, northern bulbs.

Our conclusion:

Onions are far more complex than most people realized. Further, doing a shot of Absolut every time I type the word ‘onion’ makes for poor consumer reporting.

Goodnight, Marlene.

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