The 2009 Buyer’s Guide to New Onions.

There is Latin warning to all consumers; let the buyer beware. Caveat Emptor (literal translation; ‘my cravat has deflated’) has remained with us because it makes sense – they even mentioned it on Star Trek. With a global energy crisis, and the French President marrying a retired super model, there has never been a time to be more careful before buying your new onion.

Every summer, big, glossy publications like ‘Bulb and Alliums’ release their new model issues where we are inundated with sexy photos of breakthrough onions that seem too good to be true. Of course, when they seem thus, they invariable are – despite nude pictures of the French President’s wife. As a service to the readers of The Reasonable Ego, I am happy to present our first Buyer’s Guide.

The First Step: What’s On the Market?

Onions are everywhere. It is estimated that for every person in North America, there are over twenty onions and that their population is expected to increase by as much as 400 million in the next ten years.

Correction: That’s pigeons, not onions.

But if those pigeons came after our onions, that’s serious trouble. So, onion selection is even more important than it was at the end of the first paragraph. Remember the following:

- An informed buyer is a better buyer.
- A better buyer eating popcorn is a better buttery buyer.
- A better buttery buyer from Antwerp would be a better buttery Belgian buyer and those guys have forgotten more about onions than you will ever know.

Here’s their list;

1. The Yellow Onion; This the onion that your father bought you when you got out of high school and were good about cleaning your room. This onion holds a native comfort level but is about as interesting as a John Grisham novel. Reliable and with no surprises, this is the conservative onion of choice (unless John McCain wins the Presidency).

2. The Vidalia; This is the Whore of Onions. Tasty and attractive, the Vidalia will never say no. Her papery layers are open to the suggestive peeling of even the most obnoxious of gastronomes. Since this is a promiscuous onion, it should not be used near married persons, children or desperate sugar-daddies. Anyone cooking with a Vidalia should wear a condom. Upgrades for 2009 include new breeds that are slightly more intelligent than Jessica Simpson.

3. The Shallot; Sometimes called a mix between an onion and a garlic clove; this tiny, pink monster is an abomination and should be avoided at all costs. Had God intended for onions and garlic to breed, he’d have let them grow naturally somehow.

4. The Barack Obonion; A new, German entry, this onion dares to hope. At present, no one knows what it actually tastes like.

5. The Parsnip: After the First Vatican Council in 1970, it was concluded by Pope Pius IX that the layers of an onion were an affront to the Holy Trinity. Further, onions caused weeping, and only God should do that. As a result the carrot was brought forth as a suitable replacement. His Holiness was disgusted by the bright orange hue and compared it to the “engorged sexual regions of a baboon”. A parsnip, the ‘whitey carrot’ was brought in as a last minute replacement and pronounced an onion, ex cathedra.

6. The Spanish Onion; Often passed off as a slightly upscale Yellow Onion, avoid this trickster at all costs. Unknown to most and unique among its kind, the Spanish onion is a carnivore. Beware.

7. The Red Onion; On the political left, this onion is popular. But seriously, communism failed – read a history book and move on, Trotsky.

8. Green Onions, Scallions and Leeks; These are not onions at all, but rather slick attempts to get legalized marijuana into the supermarket. Good with brownies.

9. Pearl Onions; These are also not onions; they are the eyes of blind people, harvested after death. Yumm-o!

The Second Step: Gauging Performance.

The test platform was a Sanatec polyethylene cutting board equipped with drainage grooves and a custom, non slip base. Using two Shun professional knives (25cm, 15cm) and the 18cm Shun Chinese cleaver, we put these bulbs to the test.

When tested side by side, the Vidalia out-performed all of its peers with the Red onion coming in a distant second. Even with resolution set to 1920 x 1200 and anti-aliasing cranked to 16, the Vidalia was still running at a decent frame rate in stews, broths, chili and several roasted applications. However, on ice and snow, the Vidalia tended to become rigid and unsafe well before the hardier, northern bulbs.

Our conclusion:

Onions are far more complex than most people realized. Further, doing a shot of Absolut every time I type the word ‘onion’ makes for poor consumer reporting.

Goodnight, Marlene.

If you think that this didn’t suck, please go to Humor-Blogs.com and rate this post.

25 Responses to “The 2009 Buyer’s Guide to New Onions.”

  1. Harris Bloom Says:

    Hey Sinisterdan,

    Wasn’t “The Spanish Onion” a Mamet scripted flick starring Steve Lartin?

    Rock On,

    Aitch

  2. mojo Says:

    Has it finally become politically incorrect to include the White Onion in this list? Smaller and less stinky than the Yellow, the White Onion retains all of the other desirable qualities of its larger, funkier yellow cousin. A kinder, gentler bulb, it is less likely to induce tears, giving its fans cause to often refer to it as “The Sensitive Onion”. Cooking.com shows a preference for this variety, citing “mild yellow onions” as a suitable substitute. Pfaw! As if!

    It seems White Guilt has once again reared its ugly head even though the White Onion accounts for only 5% of domestic onion production in the US, clearly qualifying it for minority status.

    I must also protest the absence of the grand Maui onion form the ballot, though it could be argued that this is only a corollary attempt to bolster support for the marijuana legalization movement of the leeks and scallions.

  3. The Hypocritical One.... Says:

    All spanish onions are destined to become “Awesome blossoms” in restaurants throughout the country. Their goal in life is to be breaded, deep fried, and then dipped in some creepy ketchup/horseradish sauce.

  4. leighonline Says:

    you forgot my personal favorite, the walla walla. wa wa wa!

  5. Shieldmaiden96 Says:

    Which one do you wear on your belt when you are taking the ferry over to Shelbyville?

  6. Rickey Henderson Says:

    Rickey’s a fan of the “onion booty” genre of pornography, does that count?

  7. Augusto Says:

    I fear you are mistaken about the pearl onions. When I checked with America’s Test Kitchen I learned that they are actually the testicles of aging gop candidates. Shriveled, wrinkled and smelly. Suitable as substitutions for Ramps when out of season.

  8. Harris Bloom Says:

    um, on comment #1 – “Lartin” wasn’t an attempt at humor…it was a type.

    Martin was meant…Steve Martin.

    Rock On,

    Aitch

  9. LOBO Says:

    Is the Vidalia the one that always makes me cry?

  10. muskrat Says:

    why’s everyone commenting about onions? what onions? i didn’t see no onions.

  11. Margaret Says:

    “‘my cravat has deflated’” – - – LOL!!!!!!

  12. chat blanc Says:

    WHAT?!? Onion posts and vodka DON’T mix? There goes my weekend.

  13. Bee Says:

    Oh-oh.
    I love the Vidalia, what does that say about me??
    Also, my husbands says I’m allergic to condoms.

    For dessert, I have the green onions with a black light for ambiance.

  14. ud Says:

    I’m with Leighonline – The WallaWalla onion has made a good run in the past few years in defeating communist red onions indeed… I won’t even look at reds in the store for fear of what may come!

  15. Paul Says:

    The Barack Obonion merely wants to form a more perfect onion.

  16. wellthenhowaboutthisone Says:

    How very funny this was.

    And is it wrong that I want to nibble on Miss Vidalia?

    JD at I Do Things

  17. Dan Says:

    Good stuff here never gave onions the respect they deserve.
    I must go wash off my eyes and brain now and try to forget about sister’s BEE’s comment.
    Stop it brain…..think baseball!

  18. Mark Base Says:

    This is far too funny to be left in the vegetable crisper drawer. Makes me want to take a leek immediately.

  19. Mark Says:

    The Tragic Leed would be an excellent name for a Welsh punk band. m.

  20. Mark Says:

    Leek. The Tragic Leek. Where’s the edit button when you need it?

  21. Les James Says:

    You tease me with thoughts of Eleanor Roosevelt while showing a picture of some French tart. Shame on you.

  22. Jeff Says:

    This post makes me cry – and I can’t stop.

  23. Lisa Says:

    Hi Marlene,
    That was awesome. I have a link to your site on my site. I know your blog through Apocalypso by Joe Pickell, he’s my other half.
    If you’d like to read some of my stuff I’d really like the feedback from you and Dan, you’re both awesome.
    My url is http://freedomgirl11.wordpress.com and the title of my blog is Spiders In My Soup.
    Great laughs, I love the Obama one, LOL
    Take care,
    Lisa

  24. Lisa Says:

    Oh yeah and I forgot to add my onion beat up your onion.

  25. meenotuss Says:

    Not that I know from experience, But I bet I know what the Barack Obonion taste like, and it’s not steak!

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