VOTE FOR SCIENCE!!!!

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If there’s two things I can’t stand it’s people who know important stuff and democracy. People who know stuff have a sickening need to tell you what they know, and this is why you have conversations with strangers about all the porn hidden in the Bible. Democracy is equally useless because it grossly inhibits my ability to have people sent off to special camps where they can be tortured educated into not telling me about what they think they know.

Yes, Dr. Phil, I’m thinking of you.

So it only stands to reason that I would ask all of you to vote on the questions that my great and mighty brain will ruminate upon before making something up. I cannot, in good conscience, tell you the results of my ruminations, since the vast power of my sinister knowledge would surely destroy you in something akin to the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Worse yet, maybe like something from the end a Will Ferrell movie. Ewww…

Well, not surely. Actually, it would just be more along the lines of, “Why would you think that about Betty White, you freak?”

But let’s not dwell on that. To wit, behold my poll!! (hee hee!).

This poll will not actually endow (hee hee!) you with any rights, but it will not allow me to determine the questions to be answered. As such, I can’t turn into one of those Bible code people who tell you stuff that you don’t want to hear.

You want to hear this, that’s why you voted…or rather that’s why you had better vote…

So, vote early and vote often. Only in this manner can we guarantee a thick, viscous torrent of pure knowledge fired from my fingers into your waiting brains. You may want to consider wearing goggles, but as we all know, the goggles, they do nothing.

Especially not against science. Science will seek out every nook and cranny until your are soaked to the bone with special relativity.

Science has overwhelmed our primitive minds, turning us from nomads who worshiped trees into suburbanites who worship guys with beards. But, those suburbanites own BlackBerry smart phones, bicycles and zippers. No longer do we dwell in the darkness of Medievalism – now we huddle as solitary figures bathed in the radiation of computer monitors that will certainly lead to brain tumors the size of Thanksgiving turkeys. But, thanks to science, doctors of the future will know how to rid us of these tumors – so it all evens out.

Thanks to science – now that I think of it – we have Thanksgiving turkeys. Before science, all turkeys were either a country, or deadly velociraptors. In the movie Jurassic Park, velociraptors were brought back into being by the wonders of science. That wonder of science then ate people, but then again, the survivors got away on a helicopter and those don’t exactly grow in potato orchards, do they? No Jimmy, helicopters are science.

Gene Kirkland of Monroe, Ohio ignored science and was killed slowly by the electromagnetic fields from the high tension power lines that surrounded his house. Had Gene Kirkland of Monroe, Ohio known more about science, he could have sold his death-trap home to some person of superior stupidity.

Gene Kirkland of Monroe, Ohio could have led a full and meaningful life, but instead, he turned his back on science.

Don’t be like Gene. Vote in the damn poll.

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