The Sinister Six II.

Again, here for your listening pleasure (what?) are my six favorite news stories and six favorite blogs for this, the last week of 1952. Hey, my wife was right, there is a gas leak in the kitchen! Way to go Mrs. Sinister!

1.”Needs to Proofread Press Releases” of the Week; In my beloved Canada, the other-coastal province of British Columbia has practically had its beaches fouled with the appearance of severed, human feet washing ashore at inopportune moments. One of these feet has been identified by DNA, but the name of the previous owner has not been released. The man, with both feet, went missing some time ago. Fortunately, authorities assure us in their daddy voices, there were no signs of foul play.

Dear RCMP;

If a human appendage being cut off and dropped into the briny deep does not constitute “foul play”, then nothing does.

I can only assume that calls from kidnappers are just pranks. Further, I agree entirely that the severed head with the note stuffed in the mouth was a self-inflicted can opener wound. That’s some good work, Lou.

2.”My Deadline Made Me do It” of the Week:The otherwise excellent Jonathan Alter of Newsweek (also a frequent guest on MSNBC, used to be on FOX) bitches an moans about the mixed blessing of online journalism. I don’t really have a problem with this until:

“Just about the only comparative advantage print journalism retains is in well-reported stories too long to be comfortably read online.”

…unless you own a printer, you silly hump.

When I’m feeling sorry for myself, I drink too much Listerine and pick fights with my neighbors; it’s less embarrassing than writing a column with national exposure wherein I imply that magazine stock is cuddly. Let’s be clear here, you’re not arguing for the journalism because it’s not financially viable anymore, you are merely arguing for the paper. Oh, by the way, I read this online and I haven’t seen a print copy of Newsweek outside of a doctor’s office since 2002.

3. “I’m not Saying this Because it’s Sensible” of the Week: John McCain holds Barack Obama personally responsible for high gas prices.

That’s right – it’s not market speculators, it’s not OPEC and it certainly isn’t the voters who consume more than their fair share of oil. It’s one guy named Barack who’s only been in politics for six years. This should be a blessing for Obama – if you elect him, he can also fix it single-handedly.

4. “Real Really Big Government Moment” of the Week: Beijing makes half of its drivers stay parked in order to reduce pollution. Apparently, they want the smog to be in smaller chunks by the start of the Olympics. To accomplish this, they have sensibly required that half of all cars stay parked on alternating days. On one day it’s plates ending in even numbers, the next day it’s odd numbers. If you have a complaint, please visit the local Glorious Department of the Motor Vehicle for you…BANG!

5. “Have you Stopped Beating Your Wife Yet?” Moment of the Week:From my personal pastor, Bill Donohue. Bill, I love you, but you’re making this too easy. Bill may soon earn his own weekly feature.

Bill gets his plus-size panties in a knot over what he presumes are cheap, personal shots taken at a someone in whom I am not at all interested. However, since this is Puff the Magic Catholic, he turns into a cyclone of yak poop. Allow me to quote Mount St. Bill:

“Catholics put a premium on forgiveness and reconciliation—they do not conduct vindictive campaigns of personal destruction under the guise of promoting the Catholic cause.”

That’s a very reasonable thing to say and I’m sure its true of virtually all Catholics who are not Bill Donohue. Jabba the Donohue continues, in the same press release:

“Should he [Ted Kennedy] be criticized? Certainly: I did just that…What I didn’t do was cite his past sexual indiscretions, one of which left a young woman dead.”

…way to slip that in the back door, you shifty conquistador.

6. “If I’m not Dead, I’m Hiding.” Revelation of the Week: Steve Fossett is still dead, or wants to be left the hell alone. A group of elite athletes and mountaineers (but not so elite as to have jobs, apparently) have given up the search for the billionaire adventurer.

In related news, an elite group of psychics will be predicting the winners of the 2005 Academy Awards, so watch for that too, they might actually get it right.

The Second Sinister Six

The following blogs did not offend me this week:

1. The Blog of Bex had the good sense to give me an award for correctly claiming that the best euphemism for the penis is “Mr. Vice President”. As a result, I now have a Bex-approved status of ‘Dan The Man’.

Please don’t anyone tell her that my name isn’t Dan.

2. The Awful, horrible and cruel Diesel assembled a random, piecemeal post that presumably strung together a bunch of stuff that he couldn’t turn into entire posts on their own. Since all of my posts are like that, I appreciate his sense of style. GO READ IT OR HE WILL DESTROY YOU UTTERLY.

3. Johnny Virgil at 15 Minute Lunch recounts that you can get something for nothing, but then you have to write about it. or the record, I will take any free samples of merchandise from any vendor (and I do mean any) and review it here in a frikkin’ heartbeat. I’ll even lie. I am cheap, with my honor easily purchased.

4. The Nemesing One, author of I’m Sure I don’t Know has written one the funniest and most terrible stories that I have ever read. I’ll leave it at that.

5. The Acorn King provides a great lesson in how to get your smarmy ass kicked off of Craig’s List. This is a two parter, and will almost certainly be adpated into a movie starring Meryl Streep as “tedious and predicatble Meryl Streep Charatcter #2″

6. Leighonline provides us with the cautionary tale of using any word that might provoke perverts to find your page via search engine. If you can stop staring at the pictures she’s posted, make comments that don’t attract the pederasty set.

******************************

I need more science questions. Yes — YOU!

If you think that this didn’t suck, please go to Humor-Blogs.com and rate this post.