Blog Like SinisterDan! Or Else!

At the request of the malevolent but nigh-irresistible Diesel, I will impart some small sliver of my blogging knowledge so that some of you might also become lazy, half-assed amateur humorists who are easily distracted and deeply disgusted by the superior performance of inferior persons. When I say “nigh-irresistible”, I am making reference to those three magical nights at the Hilton in North Platte, Nebraska. Diesel knows what I’m talking about.

1. Facts; Your Doorway to Lying – Facts are an excellent place to start a column, but not to finish them. If I began and ended with facts there wouldn’t be a great deal of humor, would there? If you want to read the Associated Press, then go ahead.

Here’s an example of a good fact/lie ratio:

a) Senator Barack Obama held a rally in Raleigh, North Carolina where he raised funds to retire the campaign debt of Senator Hillary Clinton.

b) Senator Barack Obama held a rally in Raleigh, North Carolina. In addition to being confused by the constant muttering of ‘rally-Raleigh’, the audience was clearly alarmed by the presence of Senator Hillary Clinton. A clearly inebriated Clinton was offering to ‘help out’ male supporters in the cloak room for thirty dollars.

In addition to providing us with a laff-tastic experience, fact-based lying also gives me the opportunity to call a prominent political figure a drunken whore.

2. Be Prepared to use the Phrase ‘Drunken Whore’ - please see item #1.

3. Be a Whore! – It behooves me (yes, I am a goat man) to mention that while I joke about others being a whore, I am in deadly earnest about my own prostitution. I’m sure that there is some kid who’s just started his degree in Literature and New Media Studies who wants to argue that my work should be just as satisfying if no one reads it, but this kid is a damn idiot. However, if he comes here to argue, then that’s a hit.

In your face, liberal education! Bring me traffic, hippy!

You’ll need to network – my sugar daddy of choice is the afore-mentioned Diesel because he doesn’t beat me all that badly anymore. Strut your stuff, be a whore. If a couple of hundred people show up to eye your junk (Leigh, I’m mostly referring to you) you will feel great and want to punch the New Media Kid in the larynx.

4. Make Comments – While you may be convinced that you’re the only thing on the Interwebs worth reading, you at least need to pretend otherwise. You don’t need to actually read anything. Just find a single line and personalize it. That way, you will have simulated reading, internalizing and relating to the blog.

You spot the line: “…my favorite part of the movie was the attack on the interplexing beacon…”

You comment: “This is so weird; Interplexing Beacon was my wife’s maiden name! ur teh best!”

You’ve just made a blogging friend for life.
5. Be Smart, Dummy – Nothing leads better to an easy joke than saying insanely obscure things followed up with yak poop. For instance;

Researchers at the Paranal Observatory have discovered several important characteristics of scalar dark matter using a refined version of the gravitational lensing technique. The research team had no insight as to what percentage of dark matter was yak poop.

Yak poop, comedy’s magic elixir…

5a. Use a Lot of Links - By linking to fascinating pages full of information, you can distract the reader from a poorly written post every time.

6. Be a Canadian – If you’re Canadian, you can comment on anything (if it’s not also Canadian) and it’s a win-win. If you’re only right 10% of the time, then you are to be commended for knowing so much about the world, since you’re a stupid Canadian. If you get it all wrong, you’re still just a stupid Canadian and no one expected you to learn anything while fighting Arctic Beavers and worshiping Lester B Pearson.

7. Beware of Sex! – The old adage that sex sells is a good one, but who might end up as your customers? If you must have sexual content in your bog, make sure that it seems like you did it by accident or are being ironic. Since no one on the internet knows what irony is, it should be easy. In fact, it’s so easy, that I probably put a provocative picture beside this paragraph.

8. Remain properly hydrated – A bucket if ice water will do you and your PC a world of good.

9. Don’t be Funny on a Mac – It doesn’t work.

10. Practice Makes Perfect – Unless you genuinely have no talent. In that case writing incessantly will just make you look like more and more of an ass.

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Together as a confraternity of bloggers – maybe even a family, I think we’ve all learned the most important lesson of all; that my favorite part of the movie was the attack on the interplexing beacon.

Since you’ve taken my advice so far, please go to Humor-Blogs.com. When you get there,
please rate this post. I use positive interwebz energy to feed my children.