The Sinister Six

Every so often, when I run out of any real ideas, I will present a roundup of my six favorite news stories and six blogs I read that didn’t suck. When I write “favorite” you should probably interpret that as “the first six that I could find on Fark.com”. Further when I say I found six blogs that “didn’t suck” that could probably be interpreted as “six blogs that I remember because there was a pretty picture in them”.

So here we go:

1. Bad Idea of the Week: Christopher Hitchens gets himself water-boarded.

Of all the bumpy, self-aggrandizing curmudgeons who are infinitely better writers than I am, Christopher Hitchens is my favorite. I hold the man in such esteem because;

* Hitchens is truly one of the towering intellects of our time.
* Hitchens is an important representative of some contrarian viewpoints.
* Hitchens does not live anywhere that would make easy for him to annoy me in person.

It therefore astounds me that the man is as colossally stupid as to let himself be water-boarded. This is supposedly to enlighten us on whether or not being water-boarded is torture. Here’s hint, Chris – if you need to ask, stay the hell away from it. I am quite satisfied, for instance, that a kick to the sack constitutes torture – I do not need or want a demonstration. I will dispense them, if pressed.

Speaking of which:

2. ‘I Hoped You Weren’t Listening’ of the Week : Jesse Jackson wants to cut Obama’s Nuts Off

I know that everyone’s already heard about this, but holy crap! Jesse Jackson, the whacky Reverend and nearly irrelevant spokesperson for a constituency that ignores him wants to perform a righteous ballectomy on Barack Obama. Just imagine the unfettered wrath that would plague Obama if Jackson weren’t a Reverend…just imagine what Al Sharpton must want to do! On the upside, this should help Obama with cranky white voters and guys who had their man-pills eaten by crocodiles.

3. Self-Inflation of the Week: Incidents of Wafer Abuse Rise Dramatically.

In a rampant, international epidemic of Catholic Wafer Abuse, two yes TWO people have either desecrated or threatened to desecrate the solid species of the Holy Eucharist. On cue, my favorite mountainous sack of exaggeration and Catholic bile, Bill Donohue leapt into action.

So says Bill:

“For a student to disrupt Mass by taking the Body of Christ hostage—regardless of the alleged nature of his grievance—is beyond hate speech.”

I’m pretty sure I don’t approve of trashing what other people see as sacred, but “beyond hate speech”? I’m not sure that I even know what that means. I am however willing to wager that if Bill orders a Thickburger with no mayo and then there’s mayo, someone has been hate-speechin’.

Further:

“It is hard to think of anything more vile than to intentionally desecrate the Body of Christ.”

It’s not that hard at all…there…I just did it. It involved a pint of Kahlua and your desk blotter.

4. Angst of the Week: Singularities Are Racist.

In a stunning move of racial insensitivity, scientists have apparently refused to cleanse the language of astrophysics. In a stunning discovery, the term “black hole” is apparently still in use despite its hateful, racist meaning. Also, it’s painfully obvious that “massive bosons” is a sexist slur– and slightly arousing.

5. Didn’t Finish the Memo of the Week: Russia Threatens To Target Missile Shield with Missiles.

Criminals from around the world are trying to advise Russia on pistols and things that are bullet-proof. If I get any updates I’ll let you know.

6. WINNAR !1! of the Week: Iran Weapons Test Raises Cost of Oil, Pays for Iranian Weapons Tests.

a) Iran test fires missiles that can hit Israel (and hits them with The Shop just for fun).

b) Iran has a lot of oil.

c) Fears over a war between Iran and Israel prompt a swift increase in the price of oil.

d) Profit!

I don’t often have nice things to say about Iran, but you’ve got to give credit to the guy who breaks air conditioners to sell ice cream.

The Second Sinister Six

1. Leigh at leighonline wrote a post about her own boobs. I really shouldn’t need to explain why I am telling you about this.  Seriously - her own boobs! However, I think that this linkage constitutes me writing about her boobs, which may get me in trouble and called in front of a judge.

We’ll see.

2. Bee at Bee’s Musings wrote an absolutely delightful post about the new and evil yoke pressed upon all of us by the evil, yokey, but otherwise spiffy Diesel.

Sic Temper Diesel!

I think that means he has rabies. I think he also still self-applies that name and believes it is a good idea.

3. Predator Press posted possibly (alliteration alert!) my favorite Photoshop of the week, although I’m hard pressed to say why that is so.

4. Margaret at Nanny Goats in Panties illustrates for her readership the general hazards of putting labels on anything, anytime, anywhere. Ever.

It also goes well with my item on racist science.

5. One of the communal (and probably anarchist) writers at Renal Failure not only apparently speaks to ninjas, but does so on such diverse topics as post-presidential development of linguistics.

But it’s funnier if I don’t call it that.

6. Avitable at the eponymous Avitable reminds us all of the joys of watching children when you are a a childless n00b.  He’s complaining - I think he got out of it pretty light.

If it was my kids, he’d be dead.

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