I recently returned to this blog to a standing ovation of indifference; a thunderous cacophony of people milling about politely. Then, without warning, 49 free hits leapt tiger-like from the shrubbery of the Interwebs and fell upon me; a grumpy, chain-smoking, gazelle with back problems and a mortgage. Such an event, or when my keyboard will not function because of Cheez-It sludge, gives me pause as well and a bout of abdominal cramps.
While drinking antacid like Gatorade, I discovered that 49 instances of the same search term had brought people to The Sinister Tower in a micro-burst of activity that lasted about 12 minutes. The phrase was “chris collinsworth hates keith olbermann“. I’m sure that this might be true, but 49 searches in less than 30 minutes? Are the Internets broken, with mine the only remaining page? Is someone looking to kill Mr. Olbermann and needs a scapegoat?
I have also concluded that many of you are awful, hideous freaks.
Three-headed, green lipped, dung-throwing presbyters commanding an army of talking monkeys would disconcert me less. Also, I could machine-gun such a monstrosity and be heralded as a hero. If I kill a fellow blogger, I think it’s a $50 fine.
Obviously, my traffic was coming from minimum security prisons more than the coffee room at the world headquarters of Mensa. My curious blend of high-intellect references and fart jokes brings in a mixed crowd.
Trivia; once admitted to the whispery, elite halls of Mensa, all you do is eat frozen waffles straight from the box and read Mack Bolan books.
Since I now know what brings you here, you must now know as well.
1. Peggy Noonan; Percentile Rank – 100.
Peggy is an accomplished speechwriter and author whom I barely remember calling a tool. Here’s the disturbing bit; when I Google search Peggy, this website does not show up in the first 15 pages. But if you image search Peggy on Google, I’m the 15th result in the entire damn universe. Given that some of the Peggy searches also included the word ‘sex’, I’m inclined to think that people are searching for Peggy for the purposes of lewd, 58-year-old conservative self-gratification.
I have serious problems with this, and not because Peggy is almost 60 and looks like a well-coiffed guidance counselor. I have problems with this because Peggy also looks like the very sympathetic woman at the bank who keeps denying your car loan.
But let’s hear from Peggy:
“Now he is a statesman, when what he really wants is to be what most reporters are, adult delinquents.”
Honestly, I have no idea what this means. However, I think it’s clear from “adult delinquents” that Peggy is an epic tease, albeit a very unsettling one. Moving on…
2. Nigella Lawson; Percentile Rank – 66.
I brought this one on myself when I posted a publicity still of Nigella being orally amorous with some ice cream and claimed to have written x-rated poetry about her. Nigella is the ‘domestic goddess’ of the UK. Presumably endowed with supernatural abilities, cooking seems like a supremely stupid thing for her to do for a living. Regardless, she has also become well-known for appearing as if, without warning, she might have sex with her entire kitchen. Nigella has also been in a provocative picture or two in her life. I guess I can see how this would come together, so please dream of climbing Mount Lawson at your leisure. My only note on this is that since the most notorious British dessert is something called “spotted dick”, I would implore you to wear a condom.
3. ‘Hidden’ and ‘bathroom’ sex; Combined Percentile Rank – 65.
Other than my post on Larry Craig, I don’t want to know what you were looking for. If I could locate you, I would send you the bill for having my lot on the Interwebs scoured with bleach.
4. Old Boobs (not counting Bill Donohue); Combined Percentile Rank – 35
This is the combined score for people wanting to see the breasts of former congressbeing Katherine Harris and Canadian TV chef Christine Cushing. If I smash myself in the head really hard, I can kind of get this. If dried apricots with little hats on them is your thing, that’s great. But please do it somewhere else.
If I could suggest to the people who have a chef/breast fetish that they might tune in to the obviously insane Giada De Laurentiis, who flings her bosoms around the studio with almost hilarious disregard. Seriously, it’s like an exhibit at the Air and Space Museum. Or you could ask Mario Batali to take his shirt off.
5. Captain Catholic (see #4); Percentile Rank – 24
This is presumably in reference to Bill Donohue. Searches for Bill will only increase now that I’ve mentioned ‘spotted dick‘.
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So there you are. I will ask you not to consider that these searches only work because I seem to be writing about this stuff, albeit not intentionally.
My bad.
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9 Comments
10 July , 2008 at 12:24 pm
Nigella and her penchant for oral fixation is only a drop in the ocean of British chefs making a mockery of our traditions. Need I remind you of Delia Smith, the foul-mouthed gammy handed witch and her range of “Delia’s cheats”?
Like we needed another blow to the institution of marriage. For shame.
10 July , 2008 at 6:47 pm
Oh wow…Giada is an “ice-cream spill episode” from heading on over to Cinemax. It don’t even remember if she’s ever made food.
10 July , 2008 at 9:16 pm
Davey – There is a long list of things that Nigella sells. Food is on there somewhere. I’m just thankful she doesn’t do promotional footage with sausage.
The Hypocritical One – Personally, I keep waiting for a bottle of olive oil to spill. My friend maintains that every episode of Giada’s show could turn into a porn at any moment. Beware.
Thanks for stopping by.
11 July , 2008 at 2:41 am
And talking about the search terms brings ‘em all right back the next time! I’m not going to tell you which search terms brings the boys to the yard on a blog that contains the word “panties” (let alone “goats”) in the title, but that’s becasue I’m saving that for MY next blog!
:)
- Margaret (Nanny Goats In Panties)
11 July , 2008 at 10:50 am
Not that I checked or anything, but your first link to Nigella Lawson produces this error:
Forbidden: You don’t have permission to access /wp/wp-content/uploads/2006/12/nigella-lawson-most-beautiful-pic.jpg on this server.
I beg to differ. I have a signed note from my mom.
11 July , 2008 at 1:27 pm
Margaret The logic of this was not lost on me. I’ll take whatever traffic I can get. If I could figure out a way to work it into a joke, I’d even go after the tentacle sex crowd.
Jeff Clearly your mom’s note doesn’t cut the mustard. I’ll fix the link and save you the continued embarrassment.
Thanks for stopping by.
13 July , 2008 at 12:01 am
Sorry, that Peggy Noonan thing was me. Sweet, forbidden conservative love.
16 July , 2008 at 4:06 pm
Oh Sinister, I dated a Mensa and I can tell you from secondhand experience that admission to Mensa is so much more than frozen waffles and Mack Bolan. Just how much more I’m not sayin’… but if I didn’t dig smart chicks before I surely would now.
Of course, I’d still do Nigella if her IQ is at least as high as her pulse.
16 July , 2008 at 4:14 pm
Mojo Mensa people aren’t allowed to date. Sorry.
However, by all accounts, Nigella is a very smart person – go get her!