102 Days Later.

Listed on Humor-Blogs.com

Yeah, yeah, I’ve been away for a while. But where the hell were you? That’s what I thought. No, I won’t accept your apology. So there, jerk. My long absence proves only one thing; I am the coolest internet person not on the internet in the entire internet. There’s really no other way to interpret it.

Laziness?

I don’t think so, Jim. A lazy person would continue to write when they had nothing to say, just so that they could claim that they were meeting some basic standard of minimum activity.

Not only have I not written anything for 102 days, but I had some really good material that I elected not to share. I had a kicker about Tim Russert, but then he died and now I have nothing to do on Sunday mornings, because now it IS NOT Meet the Press.

Imagine what a laugh explosion that would have been. Ha! He loved his family!

So if I had all this great material, why did I not post?

Because I am the coolest internet person who is not on the internet in the entire internet. Yeesh!

Even now that you’ve read this, you can’t really say that I’m on the internet; at best, I’m just passing through. This post will be violently truncated down to about 800 words so that the best material is left on the floor of my spare bedroom. If I only wrote 800 words in 102 two days, that’s an average of 47 letters per day. You should have no trouble in accepting that this piece of crap has so far only been on my mind for about 12 minutes.

Somnambulating dog bucket. Flautists’ throbbing warble

That’s 47 letters, incidentally. So take that into account,…and yes, you read that correctly; throbbing warble.

THROBBING WARBLE.

If that doesn’t catch on as the next big thing, there’s a serious problem with the world.

Some bloggers, like my good friend Matt, will let you know when they’re going to be gone for a bit. Ironically, he is then hardly gone at all. Matt suffers from being a consistent and conscientious blogger concerned with producing material regularly and at a high level.

It’s kind of sick, if you ask me. However, Matt has not asked me since he is deafened by the sound of hits rolling in from his blog.

I on the other hand, was reminded of the internet coolness of not being on the internet at all. I was reminded of this by having no traffic.

But there is a conflict here; I am an attention whore. Every blogger, except for this guy, is an attention whore; it’s just the way we are. If you think about the medium, what could be more self-promoting than publishing a product that no one asked for and that generates no material benefits?

You know, like the Methodists. Zing! Religious bigotry!

Is it possible to think that someone can write five hundred words on their favorite version of Final Fantasy (paradox alert!) and not be self-indulgent? If you write three posts a week about your dog and the whacky relative that lives in your garage can you not be an attention whore?

But I can be an attention whore and be the coolest internet person not on the internet on the internet by not posting and by not giving you anything particular in the way of whoreishness.

Here’s why;

1.    Matt, who can bear this abuse because no one will read my blog while the entire nation of Portugal tunes in for his, takes a ‘mini-vacation’ and does not post for nearly three and a half hours. Coolness = 1.

2.    I, who can withstand and sometimes enjoy my own abuse, say that I’m going to take a mini vacation and then don’t come back for two thousand four hundred and forty eight hours. Coolness = 1.5

3.    I say nothing, I do nothing, I write nothing and I still have the putrid comeuppance to return to my internet hacienda and ask you to read for me. That’s so conflicted…Coolness = a billion = ME!

Microsoft Office tells me that our time together is nearly over, so I need to discuss the new paradigm in what is the severe antithesis of my coolness.

Diesel.

This creature is the half man, half internet traffic maw who runs the vicious crime syndicate known as humor-blogs.com. As a result of his debilitating addiction to opium and drinkable yogurt, Diesel will entirely alter the scheme of those of us pitiable enough to be rated on his internet sweatshop (incidentally, we don’t get any sweat for our work).

But I’m so cool that I won’t beg you to click on this link, and then poke this smiley in the uvula.

If you think begging is more cool, I can do that too.

Unthrobbing Flautist? Get Warbling At Humor-Blogs.com !!