Nothing Worse.
Posted by SinisterDan on 21 March , 2008
Listed on Humor-Blogs.com
My greatest fear has always been the prospect of having some trauma or some injury that turns me stupid. As it stands now, I am no towering intellect; I was once fooled into thinking that The Love Boat was actually the USS Nimitz. Regardless, I am chilled to the bone at the prospect of a post-injury SinisterDan who would be incapable of understanding the present SinisterDan; I’d hate to ever be incapable of telling that I’m not a very good writer.
This was going to be the focus of this post. After all that brain damage angle is some funny shit.
I changed the topic not because came to my senses, but because I have a headache. Actually, I just don’t have a headache, I have a migraine. If you are now saying, “A migraine is a headache” then I’d invite you to take a moment to inject Windex into your neck with a shovel.
I have two major migraine symptoms; pain and hate. The pain is obvious. As a result in the fluctuations of vascular pressure, there is a defined line of white hot pain that runs from behind my left eye, back through my head and into the top of my left shoulder. Light hurts, movement hurts– well, every damn thing hurts. Typing this post is excruciating, but between you and me, I’m guessing that it’s worse for you.
When I am in this level of discomfort, I hate nearly everyone and everything. The obvious exceptions are my children (I simply find them to be clouds of pure, deafening chaos) and my wife (it is only her good graces that permit my ongoing crapulence).
But the rest of you are in pretty deep pudding. Seriously, Jim, watch it.
I don’t hate you all personally of course, but I do hate you. Each of you, probably without knowing, are causing the vibration of air molecules through your bodily motion and generally being alive. These molecules chain react and strike the pain wire in my head. The fact that you don’t know about this only makes it worse.
And you’re ugly.
The cat purred at me, so I punched it. Moving my arm hurts, so then I punched myself in the face. I really hate the Quakers right now.
Since I’m an idiot, I’m watching TV and writing at the same time while I have a migraine. The eye-to-shoulder pain wire is now humming along with alarming efficiency and I think that I’m about thirty minutes away from a stroke.
As I’ve been typing, I’ve flipped through the channels to find five normally innocuous subjects that I must presently, because of my deplorable condition, despise.
1. Barack Obama; Normally, I would be glad that Senator Obama gave a speech that has, according to most pundits, solved all racial problems in the world forever. Well, there’s one problem he hasn’t solved: my migraine. I hate all races, all speeches about race, and all speeches by Senators. I even hate all of the world’s nations that either have Senators or do not. Yes, this enmity and rage includes sports teams called ‘Senators’, in case you were wondering.
2. Jamaica; I just saw a commercial encouraging all of us to travel to Jamaica and spend our money on their stuff. I kind of liked this commercial, because if true, it seems that really attractive, bikini-clad women shower together on Jamaican beaches. However, the bikinis are brightly colored, and now I hate them too. Also, the pit of mind-bending fury that I hold for Jamaica only deepens as I imagine myself there, sweltering in the Caribbean sun. So stimulated, my pain wire causes my head to explode. Thanks, but no thanks, Jamaica; you can go to hell.
3. John McCain; I’m not trying to be political when I say this, but I want to tear his jowls off and scream at him to shut up. I’ve got a really bad migraine and I don’t need to hear his stupid, old ass keep confusing Iran and Iraq. Do what Ronald Reagan did when his stupid, old ass needed to speak; read a terrible speech about a shining city and call it a day.
4. The Indiana Jones sequel; I shouldn’t need to explain this.
5. Gordon Ramsay; I already hated him, but the migraine is not the best advocate for moderation. How has this man not gotten most of his face cooked off on a gas burner already? While I’m sure he’s a great chef (or not) he is only famous for yelling at people. Without the migraine, I’d toss him into the salamander by the time he got halfway through his second exceptionally accented and falsely amplified f-bomb. With the migraine, I’d make him give Jamie Oliver an open-mouthed kiss, and then burn his face off.
Too much?
Who cares? I’m going to bed.
22 March , 2008 at 12:33 am
Geesh! I hope you feel better very soon. :) The rant was funny none the less.
22 March , 2008 at 8:48 am
I’m amazed. Amazed that you could write anything with a migrane much less something actually amusing.
When I had migranes (fortunately I’ve outlived them) I would lie still, eyes closed trying not to breathe because breathing increased my heartbeat and every heartbeat stabbed another ice pick into my head.
23 March , 2008 at 9:00 am
When I get like that I think of this commercial I saw where everyone in the house is utterly silent and all of a sudden dad emerges from his office and says, “Daddy’s doing taxes! Daddy needs quiet!”
Of course, I hate that commercial.
23 March , 2008 at 1:14 pm
The bad news here Dan is that if your getting a migraine is likely to bring on teh funny in this fashion I’m just gonna have to *encourage* you to have migraines. Now I’m sure we all realize that this would eventually be counter-productive but I’d have to say it’s your own damned fault. Simple solution. Be funny without the migraines and I will go back to not jamming pins into the head of my Dan-shaped voodoo doll (um…this is not to suggest that I have even the foggiest notion of what shape a Sinister Dan is but that I stick to the important voodoo tradition of intention over rational efforts aimed at future results).
Be funny without the migraine and I promise I’ll stop.