Get Some Science, Stupid!

Listed on Humor-Blogs.com

Thanks to science, you can read this blog, build a particle collider in your yard or watch streaming digital video of David Hasselhoff, drunk off his ass, eating a cheeseburger on the bathroom floor.

Science, ironically, allows for the creation of Wikipedia.

Science is the great provider of the post-Christendom era. Germ theory, industrial capacity and the very infrastructure of our society have their basis in science. Now you may very well be an anti-intellectual, Luddite, but if you are and you are also reading this, then you also are kind of a hypocrite, who knows? Well, for you, I guess that God knows…so there we are.

This space was going to be used to wittily ponder some amazing discovery by the Nerd Brigade in the name of science and greater human knowledge. Sadly, it turns out that your humble scribe is too stupid to do that. Much too stupid.

Serious science writing requires talent and an unfortunate abundance of stuff that you learned while not skipping all of your high school classes and not drinking too much before seminars during grad school. As the 2.3 readers of this blog know, some of us have little use for talent and no inclination whatsoever for facts that do not originate in our own butt, or in the butt of a trusted adviser.

To do science writing, a person must have a broad conceptual base of technical knowledge that encompasses slide rules, dinosaur droppings and massive vector bosons.

Two of those things are entirely mysterious and ‘massive vector bosons’ just sounds naughty. Perhaps, upon sober second thought, the casual observer will give up on being a real science writer who writes about real science (…while you consider that, please click on humor-blogs.com because frankly, I deserve it…).

Moving on, that same casual observer might be able to write about bad science instead. Yes Jim, they just might.

The prudent reader asks: “If you, SinisterDan, are unqualified to write about science how could you possibly have the critical skills needed to distinguish between cogently researched material and the thinnest veneer of pseudo-scientific technobabble?”

Well, the prudent reader should go pound sand for asking such a question. But like the purveyors of bad science some of us are full of shit and as such, know what it smells like.

(…by way of an apology to this blog, click on humor-blogs.com – seriously, I’m dying over there…)

To wit, let us consider homeopathy.

Homeopathy is the belief that small amounts of substances that cause symptoms similar to what ails you will cure you. Poison Ivy could be used to cure a rash, or Amy Winehouse DNA could cure you from being a drunken, heroin zombie. What’s more, since some of these things can be dangerous, homeopaths sensibly require that the solutions be diluted. Please note that “dilute” is being used here in the same sense, that when speaking of crack cocaine, we note that it is “mildly habit forming”.

In some instances of “serial dilution” the ingredient has been watered down to the point where it is unlikely to even be in there.

But don’t worry, the water (or whatever) retains the memory of the active ingredient even after it’s gone. It should be noted that a prominent British scientist calculated that one molecule in every liter of water in the UK had likely passed through the bladder of Oliver Cromwell. To the credit of homeopaths, this Cromwell Preparation has been has huge success; no one been diagnosed with Rump Parliament Disorder in over 350 years.

Solutions retain memory of the active ingredients because of some kind of vibration energy and quantum mechanics. How could you not know that? I am shocked—SHOCKED —that you did not know that.

It’s always frikkin’ quantum mechanics. Quantum mechanics are to bad science what girls kissing is to porn.

Don’t have any better idea: Sindy, Foxxxy? Please show us your bosons…

Thankfully, much of this is pretty harmless, and when you rub homeopathic wax on your forehead, it will make you feel better at the same rate as any other placebo.

But its not all harmless. There are still those who will sell it to people with autoimmune disorders and asthma patients. Of course, no harm could come from giving people quantum energized sugar pills so that they don’t suffocate. Others, likely the Field Marshals in the Army of Crapulence, will tell you that vibrated tap water will increase your chances of beating cancer.

There is not a pit of shame deep enough. Well, there is, but I already made one Amy Winehouse reference.

Also, your humble scribe, as a result of having practiced careful homeopathic campaigning is now the Democratic nominee for the President of the United States. Sadly, in the absence of current research, homeopathic donations will not be accepted.

After all, that’d be stupid.

The Best Medicine (except for antibiotics) is Humor-Blogs.com !!