The Enemy Within.
Posted by SinisterDan on 31 January , 2008
I have an internal organ. Actually, it turns out that I had more of them than I’d thought and at least one of them is broken. Further, despite looking through my wallet and the mass of papers in the kitchen cabinet over the sink, I could not find a warranty for this organ.
Currently, I’m at war with my gall bladder.
For those of you who don’t know, the gall bladder is well…a bladder that contains, or may contain, something. My guess is that ‘something’ is a tiny Garden Weasel that can cause immense intestinal pain at four in the morning.
When this happened, I awoke and calmly assessed the situation. I dispassionately listed my obvious symptoms and then looked at the best alternatives to resolve the issue. Under no circumstances did I run downstairs, stand in the doorway of the bathroom and go “BLEEEAAARRRGGGHHH!” as tears streamed down my cheeks.
After not moaning like an orgasmic baboon I realized that something was wrong and decided to head to the hospital. To place this in perspective, it needs to be noted that I don’t live in the middle of nowhere; I live on the outskirts of nowhere – to get to the middle of nowhere I need to put the keys in the ignition. Under normal circumstances, the drive from my house to the hospital takes about 30 minutes but this was a little different. This trip alternated between speeds of 160kph when I was merely in excruciating pain and lows of 2kph when I thought that my torso explosion was imminent.
While the next part is a blur I do remember that they gave me morphine – oh yes, Jim; morphine.
Sweet, sweet morphine… If you haven’t tried it, you haven’t lived.
While I don’t know all the highly confusing facts or truth about what happened, apparently my gall bladder is manufacturing aluminum ingots. Deep down in my guts, these ingots will randomly explode when exposed to the delicious pork gravy in my blood.
Such an event, the gall bladder attack, is a glandular act of war that has no proper remedy except to have the rotter torn loose from my meaty assemblage. I will request, in homage to kung-fu movies, to see it while it still beats. If it beats…I’m not a doctor.
There will be tests, weeping and blood. Well, tests for sure.
Oh, and all this cost me 13$ for some Percocet. Eat it, America.
31 January , 2008 at 9:19 pm
Very well written, and it had me rolling. I have experienced similar pain, but I passed out several times. They gave me the most morphine they are legally allowed to give someone, and it was truely wonderful. Hope you feel better soon. Thanks for the laughs.
31 January , 2008 at 10:03 pm
Damn you and your universal health care!!! Of course, I say that out of pure jealousy.
1 February , 2008 at 5:15 pm
The odd thing is I can’t join you in your praise of the wonders of supposedly glorious, glorious morphine. Some years back when I was giving bir–I mean passing a kidney stone, they gave me morphine…lots of it… and the thing was it was like they were giving me a whole lotta nothing. I think after about 5 syringes of the stuff they kinda just gave up. I can faithfully report that there are two rational things that happened. A) My system laughed at their pathetic attempts to drug it into submission and cheerfully transmitted every iota of pain that I was feeling or B) It was in fact working and the jagged, red hot, rusty spike that was being rammed through my abdomen was in fact the ‘feel good’ part of the experience. During the event this saddened me in no small way…particularly in light of the fact that I usually respond to medication by having a physician wave it in my direction.
Damn you and your cosy relationship with that drug.
1 February , 2008 at 6:54 pm
Maybe they just shot you full or Mr. Pibb?
Although, I’ve heard of people for whom some drugs does nothing. I was given demerol after hurting my back - no reduction of pain at all.
So maybe that was Pibb’s too…
1 February , 2008 at 11:14 pm
Good Luck! And I’m with you on the Morphine, but it seems that every time I wax poetic about the stuff people look at me with questioning eyes. I chalk it up to them not having tried it. And yes, in spite of all its problems, I’m glad I’ve got healthcare.
3 February , 2008 at 3:06 am
In all seriousness, I hope you feel better. I should note that at some point in the next 10-20, I am likely going to be going through the same thing, and I am not looking forward to it.
4 February , 2008 at 2:05 am
Bless you, Sinister, for encouraging me to laugh at your misery. So many others seem to find it insensitive….
But I have a terrible feeling about the future of this blog, once they remove the standard-issue place to store your bile.
9 February , 2008 at 7:54 am
let me know if you need a nurse…..
16 February , 2008 at 3:12 pm
mmm… morphine. I was in the hospital after lung surgery (long story!) and they had me on the dripper for like 24 hours. They then took it away, claiming I was “going to get addicted.” I screamed and argued that I wasn’t, just give me my goddamn morphine for the love of god. Anyway, they moved me to vicodin, which promptly made me throw up, so they moved me to TYLENOL!!! Within 24 hours, I went from MORPHINE to TYLENOL!
I was a tad pissed, to say the least.
21 February , 2008 at 5:50 pm
Strangely, we have gall bladder issues in my family. My aunt, who apparently lives next to you in the outskirts of nowhere (her outskirts are in South Dakota, though), has had her gall bladder yanked out, and she’s never looked back. Let them in, Sean. Let them in. You’ll get more morphine, I bet.