The Long Arm of the Blog.

Listed on humor-blogs.com…

The universe needs order. For instance, gravity is pretty keen and you don’t want to try to get by without it. But when’s the last time you thanked the force that keeps you from stepping out of your car and straight into Low Earth Orbit? Yeah, that’s what I thought, you inconsiderate cretin. Regardless, this post is about Very Serious Rules; namely, the laws of this blog. It’s important, so pay attention.

There may be a test, but there will be no prizes.

My good pal Paul over at Gor[b] recently posted a follow up that highlights the official blogging guidelines for the federally mandated funhouse at the CBC. And yes, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation has become such a profitable, relevant and dynamic broadcasting juggernaut that blogging is its biggest concern.

Personally, I’d like to see them first find a solution to showing re-runs of The Red Green Show, but I’ll shut up before I get my taxes audited.

Having been exceptionally busy in The Real Damn World over the past three weeks (result: hung jury!), I have had many blog ideas and my choice of topic for this blog was not an easy one. I’ll waste your time with these other ideas later, but I could not in good conscience go another day with out filling up a blog entry with a half-assed list of cheap jokes.

That and I need a mission statement.

For those of you who aren’t reading this from prison, you know that every business bigger than a wiener wagon has a mission statement professing some high-minded philosophy. Of course, all of these are lies. Every company should be required to end their mission statement with the following:

“Having said all of that, we want to become fat and bloated on money – your money. Now please proceed quietly to the counter and buy a six dollar crappaccino.”

That way, after blathering on about positive community footprints and reducing razor burn for all of the world’s orphans, you’ll know what the score is.

The Reasonable Ego: Our Mission Statement

When I’m not too busy, and my wife lets me, I am committed to bringing you the best humor commentary that I can. When not playing Rhinoceros Man with my daughters, I will labor at this with all of my will, but let’s not go crazy. When I don’t have anything better to do and when my new recliner doesn’t lull me to sleep with her devilish siren-song, you guys are on deck. I’m apparently giving this away for free, but I’m desperately in need of the validation of perfect strangers.

The Reasonable Ego: Our Alternate Mission Statement

I’m afraid o’ da goofa man!

You can apply whichever of those suits you best.

I don’t know about you, but I feel much better having taken care of that business. I’m sure that you, my beloved and pious reader, will now understand more clearly where I (as a lunatic blow hard) am coming from.

…but probably not…

As immaterial as this may seem (or not, since I have no idea to what I am referring) I must now press forward and outline The Very Important Rules of my blog.

1. To present the reading public with the most responsible and fair content possible, I will never cry in public because of my adopted dog. Seriously, this is why the camera has an ‘off’ switch. This is why you hire executive producers; this is why directors first started using the word “cut”.

2. If you promise not to stare at it, I promise not to rub it.

3. Because I have such tremendous respect for my reading audience (the gentler reader will ignore that if I respected you that much, I would write more often), I will never rarely try not to use excessively coarse words. If I must use foul language, in the interest of all parties, I will wear a condom.

5. I will not, nor will I permit others to misuse the terms ‘ointment’ and ‘unguent’.

6. Mittens!

7. When I show you a picture of a scantily-clad woman, I will freely admit that I am pandering.

8. As a strident proponent of the free market, I will continue to give this material away for free, proving that you do indeed get what you pay for.

9. Any list that I compose will have at least nine entries.

10. I promise never to do this again.

I hope that this brief dissertation has made clear that with a little time spent on clarifying our first principles, laying out a set of procedures and establishing a basic model for content that anyone can fill up an eight hundred word blog post which is truly half-assed.

But remember, you must promise not to stare at it.

 

 

 

 

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