Everybody Sucks.

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This is not a very funny week. For a news and politics humorist, the last few days have been hideous and awful like a bout of intestinal worms; big ones, too. I’m talking about big intestinal worms that have sharp, biting teeth and the face of Don Rickles. I feel like Michael Vick trying to pick up girls at a PETA rally where everyone knows that Ron Mexico is just an alias.

This week has brought the Iraq War testimony of General Petraeus and the sixth commemoration of 911. Nothing funny there, and you’d be kind of cheap, vile jerk if you tried to make it so.

Speaking of cheap, vile jerks I would now like to remind you of Bill ‘The Bloat Furnace’ Donohue. Donohue spends his time steering the cranky old ship of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights and belching out astonishingly offensive cries of Catholic-bashing faster than a…um…damn. It strikes me that there aren’t that many things that belch repeatedly and at speed on purpose…my bad.

To refresh you, I’ve written about Billy the Hutt before.

Kathy Griffin is the increasingly famous star of the reality-ish show My Life on the D-List. Griffin does things that I’m sure are just spiffy but since I have never watched, she could be mangling cats with a hammer for all I know. I remember Griffin on other things and that she was funny. Or maybe I don’t and she wasn’t – I really don’t care. Either way she strikes me as neither a particularly compelling entertainer or so attractive that I hope to ‘accidentally’ see her naked.

As such Griffin has never consumed any bandwidth on the Sinister Satellite, but again I’m sure she’s just swell. There is some empirical evidence for this as Griffin was just awarded a Creative Arts Emmy for her work on the show that I have never seen. In her acceptance, Griffin added:

… a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. So, all I can say is, ’suck it, Jesus.’ This award is my god now.”

This line isn’t exactly so funny that it forced the evacuation of my bowels, in fact I barely snickered. It also, pretty clearly, is a joke.

This, of course, was not the interpretation of the mountainous sack of noise that is Bill “Stay-Puft” Donohue, who condemned Griffin’s comments as “hate speech”.

Hate speech is normally defined as when someone states that an entire race, culture or religion is foul or awful just because they are what they are. When I released my first book: All Presbyterians are Damn Dirty Apes, that qualified as hate speech. Conversely, when my wife penned the best-selling My Husband is Dung-Covered Baboon, in addition to not being classified as hate speech, that work also won an award from my mother.

And Dad bought her a new mini-van. But let’s move on.

So while The Jeebus is a very important fella, he cannot technically be the subject of hate speech as an individual. It occurs to me that I have inadvertently compared myself to The Jeebus. If the bible is right, I’m relatively sure that I’m taller than he was.

Is that hate speech?

Bill “Bubblicious” Donohue gets into a bit of trouble with his wording. What I mean by this is that because he uses words, things go quickly go down the crapper. What might otherwise have been a cute little statement of obnoxious indignation turns quickly into, well…

“It is sure bet that if Griffin had said, ‘Suck it, Muhammad,’ there would have been a very different reaction from the crowd and from the media who covered this event. To say nothing of the Muslim reaction.”

You would almost think that he’s doing this on purpose, wouldn’t you?

While Bill “Vesuvius Mouth” Donohue cannot tolerate a person making a statement about a singular ‘The Jeebus’, he is willing to pull out the specter of ‘the Muslim reaction’.

Bill Donohue and the Muslim Reaction would be a great name for a band (another 1$ for Dave Barry…).

But as we all know, Islam is a dangerous religion that promotes really bad behavior in its adherents and so Bill is well advised to warn us of ‘the Reaction’. Fortunately, he in no way looks like a hypocritical goon since nothing bad has ever happened in the name of the Catholic Church.

Seriously, Bill wouldn’t to come off like an ass.

Earlier in his press excretions, Bill also highlights that this kind of hate speech is predictable because Griffin is a self-described “complete militant atheist”. Since (like Muslims) atheists cannot be trusted to do the right thing, Bill is entirely justified in condemning that group based on the beliefs about god.

As for the anti-Jeebus media, they have shown their usual stick-to-itiveness and folded like a bad paper plate. The network airing the Emmys will proudly exercise their right to free speech by eliminating some of it. The AP will not even cite the phrase in question, instead referring to it as an ‘off-color remark’.

Way to go, Bill. You are the light of the world – the light from the snout of an oncoming train.

 

 

 

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