Bathroom Sex: A Family Value.

Listed on humor-blogs.com…

If you must have bathroom sex with a perfect stranger, try to do it in a private residence, secluded hotel or the screening of any Nicole Kidman film. Thus hidden, you know that your privacy is ensured. Unlike most of you, I have never had a sexual encounter with a United States Senator in the public washroom of the Minneapolis airport. While I have long frequented “hot-spot” airports for all sorts of fleshy indulgences (bacon-cheeseburgers, mostly) I have never scored a Senator.

Congratulations, Minneapolis Police Sergeant Dave Karsnia!!

If you own a television, a radio, or a telegraph office you already know that Senator Larry Craig (R-Extremely Conflicted) has recently been apprehended for attempting to solicit sex from an undercover police officer in Minneapolis. The afore-mentioned Sergeant apparently caught Senator Craig through the time-honored police tactic of having feet.

Senator Craig was convicted of misdemeanor lewdness but his charges for felony jackassery are still pending. Senator Craig is another ‘family values’ social conservative who has shown how much he values his family by seeking sex from someone who is not in it.

Craig was taken into custody after having an encounter with the feet of Sergeant Karsnia. According to reports, the Senator was a virtual orchestra of foot-tapping, toe-nudging, intra-potty eye contact and lascivious hand waving. Using their special Minnesota Vice enigma machines, the police deduced that Senator Craig was looking for some one-on-one personal man lovin’ in an industrial green bathroom stall.

This ritual is, apparently, against the law. Although, having watched many episodes of Law & Order, I am at a loss to understand what he was charged with. He did not have public sex; he did not even state that he wanted public sex. In fact, the wordless encounter was ended when Sergeant Karsnia – I’m not making this up - slid a card under the stall that read ‘POLICE’.

“LC: I sit down, um, to go to the bathroom and ah, you said our feet bumped. I believe they did, ah, because I reached down and scooted over and um, the next thing I knew, under the bathroom divider comes a card that says Police.”

In this case it seemed pretty effective, but it must be one of the most ludicrous ways to stop a suspect. In a hostage situation, a similar card should be raised up using balloons. But, since that’s a serious felony, the card should have an exclamation mark on it.

Craig should have responded with a card that said ‘BRIBE?’ Had he, I’m sure that the police would have appreciated his witty retort thus releasing him from the legal hook.

You might be expecting me to point out that Republicans have been very hard on Craig, practically tying him to an airplane in order to get him the hell out of office and out of DC. They’ve been harder on Craig, some might suggest, than on Louisiana Senator David Vitter, who was exposed as the client of DC area prostitutes. There is, you might opine, a double standard…

I won’t waste your time or my typing – Republicans will let you alone if you are caught snogging a hooker or are indicted for campaign fraud as long as you apologize and thank The Jeebus. But don’t be kissing the dudes.

What is of far more interest to me is the fact that after declaring his intent to resign on Saturday, Craig (having pleaded guilty) will now fight the matter in court and intends to remain in the Senate. As a humorist, this is the kind of thing that just makes life worth living. So as repayment to the Senator, I would like to suggest the following legal strategies. Each of these should be sufficient to get you back to sitting oddly in public bathrooms.

1. Toilet Dancing: while listening to the Mannheim Steamroller on his iPod, the Senator was overcome with the need to bust a move.
2. Alien Attack; unknown to Sergeant Karsnia a face hugger like that seen in the Aliens movies had entered the bathroom via an air duct. The Senator was trying to warn the Sergeant without alerting the alien fiend.
3. Struck by The Jeebus; as a deep man of faith (or man of deep faith) the Senator was doing full-body equivalent of speaking in tongues. Sadly, this happened while the Senator had dropped his pants and was on the crapper. Bad luck, Larry.
4. Saw a Spider; these scare the crap out of the Senator, and he was flinching in fear. Fortunately, this happened while the Senator had dropped his pants and was on the crapper.

Thank you, Senator Craig. Despite appearing grievously hypocritical and allegedly getting your bathroom funk on, you’re okay in my book.

Well, actually you’re not, but I’ll put you in Katherine Harris‘ box (oh man, did I actually type that?) and hope that you don’t go away. I’d much rather write about an imploding goo-sack such as yourself than just about anything else. Also, let’s face it, political figures of ridicule such as yourself and My Baby Katy are good for my traffic.

Don’t have bathroom sex!!! Go to Humor-Blogs.com instead!!