As with all change, the balance of the cosmos is ethereal yet unshakeable. Constant yet illusory.
Ignore that first nonsense, I just wanted to try writing like Robert Jordan. Moving on…
In yet another sign that the terrorist have already won, the great Weekly World News will cease publication of its print tabloid and the same web-based service.
Well, Jim, I cry foul.
FOUL!
Weekly World News was, without exaggeration, the best publication in the history of the world and at least
twelve thousand times more important to our existence than all the rest of printed words combined. The WWN cured herpes if you rubbed it on your groin. The WWN gave you better gas mileage if you read it while driving at dangerously high speeds. The WWN gave you…um…words slapped onto the lowest quality newsprint available to human science.
While other supposed journalists were covering things like ‘the news’ and clogging up the airwaves with bits on politics, war and the economy the WWN brought us what we needed to know. The epic adventures of Batboy, predictions of global apocalypse and several really interesting photos of public figures captured cradling infants that were either aliens, the next coming of The Messiah, or occasionally, a mermaid.
If Hillary Clinton becomes the next President of the United States, don’t we deserve to know that she will, in addition to keeping Bill in his Porn Room, have the additional duties of raising an alien baby?
No, I didn’t think so either. But that is very much NOT the point.
The point is this;
I can sit at home on the couch and get the news from any number of sources. Radio, television, the interwebs and the mail I steal from the neighbors. I’ll do this calmly and intellectually while sipping a coffee and commenting on the stories, or the media itself to the lovely and erudite Mrs. Sinister.
But when I want to sprawl out in the basement wearing my soiled bathrobe and the Optimus Prime Underoos that I bought in 1986, the appropriate source becomes a little less clear. Not many publications are fit to be read while you eat canned spaghetti with your hands, smoke Mexican cigarettes and drink Blasto! Root beer from a 2-gallon jug.
With World Weekly News gone, I admit that I had fallen into despair.
But lo, another sun rises!
In a shocking turn of events that must be leaking in from Bizzaro World, my blogging gumba, the inestimable and terrifying Diesel has a book coming out.
Yeah, I know.
Diesel (again, this name is self-applied) has thrown together, presumably in a loving fashion, the finest collection of his work from Mattress Police – Anti Social Commentary. The book, with the tragically unoriginal (but absolutely great!!!) title; Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police is also apparently available for purchase.
Yeah, I know! For purchase with money! Holy fu—but it’s totally worth it.
In the vacuum left behind by Weekly World News, it is imperative – nay, it is absolutely vital – double nay, it is a condition of continued universal existence that you PURCHASE THIS BOOK.
PURCHASE THIS BOOK
PURCHASE THIS BOOK
PURCHASE THIS BOOK
PURCHASE THIS BOOK
PURCHASE THIS BOOK
Why haven’t you purchased the book yet? My instructions were quite clear…you ignore me in this fashion when you know that I will kill you for it?
Kneel before Zod!
Sorry…sorry…so very, very sorry.
Trivia; The Kneel Before Zod thingy is now the most tired and busted meme within the tubes of teh interweb.
Trivia #2; Pardon me, but that’s wrong – Chuck Norris Facts holds the title for that.
Trivia #3; You should never, ever kneel before Chuck Norris. Being kicked is the least of your worries, if you know what I mean…
Trivia #4; As a space-filler, I think my trivia bullets have outlasted their usefulness.
So I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty happy. I have an excuse to wear my Optimus Prime underwear again…I can restock my turnip cellar with jugs of Blasto!…I can live in a world in which a book can restore me to a place were I can eat pasta with one hand and turn the pages of pure hilarity with another.
My third hand will be somewhere you don’t even want to contemplate…
But mostly, like an episode of Touched by an Angel, I can love again.
A fact that will not be well received by my wife…HA!
I like Diesel (the man and the beverage) and I like his blog. When I receive my complimentary copy (HA!) I’m also willing to bet that I will like the book. Check him out, read his stuff and see what you think.
Then, regardless of whatever the hell you think, PURCHASE THIS BOOK.
Here endeth the lesson…
Living in Fear of Hessian Mercenaries? Go To Humor-Blogs.com!
8 Comments
26 July , 2007 at 12:51 pm
THANK YOU for helping me find the courage to face the Hessian Mercenaries in my soul. I’m heading right over to buy the book. I mean, I already did, because you told me to earlier.
26 July , 2007 at 1:12 pm
“I’m heading right over to buy the book. I mean, I already did, because you told me to earlier.”
I don’t believe you.
Congrats on the book.
26 July , 2007 at 3:35 pm
I simply adore the randomness of this post. It’s quite refreshing. ..and I’m a fan of this location, too.
27 July , 2007 at 11:12 pm
Are you serious about bat boy? I mean really, if you were truly a Weekly World News fan you would know that their single most useful contribution to society was contained within the headline “Man Laughs His Head Off And Has The Stitches To Prove It”. I mean really, for those of us who like to laugh long and hard it was very useful to know that we could actually decapitate ourselves through laughter. Hmph.
28 July , 2007 at 8:48 am
Bat boy is a visual icon or unparalleled importance.
That’s a great headline, though.
30 July , 2007 at 12:43 am
This is a bittersweet post. You have the sad news of the demise of Weekly World News and at the same time it is tempered with the good news of Diesel’s release of his book. Such is life.
I think you took an interesting approach to the online release party postings. I like how you did yours, a very interesting angle, an out with the old, in with the new feeling.
1 August , 2007 at 4:58 am
So that great beacon of truth, the WWN, has been swallowed by history’s brutal campaign. …Oh, well, maybe Rupert M’s new project – the WSJ – will rise to take the WWN’s place!?
1 August , 2007 at 7:15 am
Chris – Thanks, much appreciated.
Karl – I am sure that Rupert’s new acquisition will do many things, but ‘rise’ does not immediately spring to mind.