I See Paris, I See France.

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From high atop my perch here at The Sinister Tower, I see many things. Generally, I ignore most of what I see, preferring instead to return to the confines of my Mixology Research Center where I frustrate the staff by refusing to put anything in my Scotch. But not this week, Jim.

I have uncovered a perverse and unnatural alignment of world events. A series of events so unbelievable and so Byzantine that they rival when Alexios Angelos IV, in a brazen act of polygamy, was married to each of his footstools. In a clear indication that La République Française is slowly trying to overwhelm the Western World, I have taken note of the following news stories that now eek their way across the zeitgeist.

1. The French have elected a new French-person-in-Chief: On 6 May 2007, Nicolas Sarkozy won the second round of the presidential election in which he beat the holy living Roquefort out of Marie-Ségolène Royal. The final tally had Sarkozy winning by about 2.2 million votes.

No hanging chads here.

My own reaction was mixed. I can’t say that I wanted Royal to win, but she would have been much more pleasant to look at during G8 summits. What’s really amusing about this is the reaction in the United States (surprise!). Most nations that have strong ties with France congratulated the new guy and moved on. But you whacky kids south of the border took another approach entirely - you are one zany and unpredictable global hegemon!

The American Left (motto: We’re Lost in Victory) quickly derided Sarkozy as another lap dog for President Bush. The American Right (motto: Infighting for Freedom!) seemed moderately pleased that France had elected a ‘conservative’. Bill O’Reily even lifted his personal ban on France that had apparently cost them billions of imaginary Franco-dollars as reported in many imaginary Franco-publications.

Let’s be clear though; this is France – a nation with 5 political parties that self-identify as socialist, revolutionary or communist. The “ultra-conservative” Sarkozy, in a frightening shift to the radical right, is considering that he might want to look at possibly exploring the possibility of eventually drafting some legislation to extend the workweek beyond 35 hours. Wow.

Let’s not even mention that Sarkozy is an ally of Jacques Chirac and just-resigned Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin (translation: Dominic Likes Vile Bread) who did a very nice job of jointly telling the US to go pound Chauvignol prior to the invasion of Iraq. The last person to lead France that would appeal to the current American Administration was Napoleon Bonaparte.

2. Mitt “Mittens” Romney Declares War on France: In an accidental exercise of his First Amendment rights, Mitt Romney’s campaign expectorated a strategic document that listed France, Hillary Clinton and ‘Jihadism’ as “enemies…he could run against”. This would be a lot more troublesome if Mittens hadn’t already held every possible political stance in existence. Mittens Romney was for abortion, and is now against it. Mittens Romney was for gay marriage, and is now against it. Mittens Romney was against being a political tramp who would stoop so low as to eat a kettle of boiled moose droppings in exchange for your vote, and is now…you get the idea.

To illustrate how ludicrous this is, prior to seeing France as a campaign target, he was actually their Foreign Minister under the alias of Roland Dumas. Also, he used to be for Jihadism (you can’t become offended at this, since Jihadism is not even a word) and his Jihadism-ite codename? Hillary.

This Mittens guy has no shame…yet… this week.

3. Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Michael Sauer Captures Paris: You may not think that this is really about France, but Paris Hilton and the albino dude from the DaVinci Code look an awful lot alike. So since I’ve just spelled it out for you, I’ll move on.

Unlike many bloggers, I have no problem writing about Paris Hilton, but it’s only now that she’s done something really interesting. Paris has gone from merely being a vacuous rich girl to being an official, honest to jeebus convict. Paris might be going to jail for 45 days, or maybe for 21 days. Paris might be going to jail in California or they might incarcerate her in Arizona. All of this stems from the fact that the Los Angeles county jail is supremely overcrowded. Personally, I think we should send her to Gitmo, but that’s just me.

This is a girl who would have no trouble being interrogated by Marines or held in uncomfortable positions, injected with truth serum (or injected generally, I’m guessing) or forced to sit naked in a room full of strangers. If one of those strangers had a camera, the Marines might need reinforcements. Really, it’s a win-win.

Especially for France.

Wait…what?

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