Me Versus the World.

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As you can see from the “ClustrMap” jammed into the sidebar of this blog, my unholy army of bulbous, red dots has rapidly blotted out much of civilization. The vast, economic and industrial titans of Europe and North America have all but vanished beneath my clumsy, crimson thumb print. The bustling population centers of the Pacific lie dormant under my gigantic circles of doom. I have belched and expectorated a swath of angry welts that blanket the continents. Red blooms across human society from the crapulent pounding of my keyboard– only Russia resists; the original Red Menace. Well, not the original Red Menace, but I’m not writing a blog about that.

Russia offends me. This won’t do.

Coming from Canada, I realize that I am limited in ridiculing other countries. So while I won’t go straight at Russia, it bears pointing out that the only sounds you hear there are the grinding gears of industry being re-centralized, civil liberties being ripped to shreds and the incessant thud of poisoned dissidents lifelessly hitting the turf.

I’m well aware that the Russian zeitgeist is impressive and replete with important bits of cultural matter like an unnatural fondness for root vegetables and surrendering their rights to cleptocrats. Of far more consequence is their tendency to ignore me.

I’m sure there’s a perfectly good reason for this slight; maybe their internets tubes are clogged with the monstrous works of depressing authors who were too busy being Russian to get any of their works edited for length. Oh yes, please do write another two thousand pages about the existential angst of being a drunk, and by all means you must bloat that up with another printer’s ream as you painfully explore the walls of your apartment as a metaphor for the passing of the patrician agricultural class!!

Huzzah!

The only obvious solution would be for me to challenge Vladimir Putin to a duel – but then I’d just be one more ‘thud’ in the tundra. So my only other option is to change the subject and move on to China.

China is a troubled nation on its ascendancy to global super-power. The nation boasts a lot of…um…stuff, but also retains religious oppression, restricted civil rights and the quaint charm that only a vast, all-powerful centralized government brings.

But on the other hand, at least they’re not ignoring me. As I’ve previously explained, some places that are either Chinese, or on the schedule to be invaded by China have climbed on to The Reasonable Ego Express. While I’ve not penetrated that vast nation in those areas that enjoy a higher portion of ubiquitous government and the possibility of starvation, I have at least elicited enough of a response from their ruling apparatus that I’ve been banned from China’s portion of teh internets.

I’m very proud.

A while ago, I decided to apologize for taking a cheap shot at the people of Quebec by calling for the overthrow of the Chinese government and calling Chairman Mao a “stupid, fat hobbit.” It goes without saying that between time and my strict regimen of taking too much prescription medication with Jack Daniels that I’d forgotten about the whole thing.

But China never forgets.

As I read a story about the Chinese government tightening what is being called (unoriginally) the Great Firewall of China, I was also provided with a link to test to see if my favorite website had been banned. Since I already know that www.dirty-love-on-the-farm.org was officially endorsed by the Politburo of the Communist Party of China, I decided to check and see if this website would splat against the Great Wall like an 9th century Mongol.

In the interests of science (and filling out an already weak premise) I decided to do a test. My two oldest pals in the blogging sense are Paul at gor[b] and Matt at Culture Kills…wait, I mean Cutlery (even though I’m yet to appear on his Blogroll), so I decided that I would use them in my control group. Both also blog from Canada, and in the very grand scheme of things, we fall into the category of light-hearted commentary.

First off, gor[b];

Since Paul works for the CBC, this was actually fairly predictable. One centralized tool of cultural oppression could hardly pick on the employee of another.

Subject #2, Culture Kills…;

This didn’t really surprise me since I know that President Hu Jintao has been eyeing that Pageant of the Transmundane Award that Matt gives out. (President Jintao: 0, Me; 1).

Subject #3; The Reasonable Ego;

Surprise, surprise.

Years from now, when China has established their hyper-powered global hegemony and we’re all toiling under their thumbs, riding cheap bicycles and watching pirated DVDs of Sylvester Stallone movies, I want all of you to remember one thing;

I got here first.

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