Batman versus the Republicans.

…hurry up and wait…

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As I write this, the cable news shows are reporting that the current wads of pre-presidential matter are out in the various heartlands of America doing something, somewhere for somebody. Beyond that, there is very little news of note in the proto-electoral frenzy for 2008. Forty years ago, Selma, Alabama was the site of a historic moment in the US civil rights movement. On Sunday, the party of Franklin Roosevelt (motto: We won? Aw, crap…) gathered there to show that they can exploit their nation’s history with the best of them. But we’ll get to Democrats later.

The Republicans are trying to figure out when the registered primary voters were replaced with opposites from the Mirror Universe. Rudolf “Sméagol wants it” Giuliani is surging ahead of John “I missed the boat” McCain by nearly 25 points and more than 15 points among Evangelical Christians (NB: In my original draft I mistyped that as “Evangelical Christinas”, which would be a great name for a band – I now owe Dave Barry 1$.) This is surprising as Giuliani is twice divorced, in favor of stricter guns laws, looser abortion laws and an increase of spousal benefits for same-sex couples. Tied in a statistical bear trap for third place is a bunch of people all named Mitt “Mittens” Romney.

Other than having hair like a TV newscreature, Romney’s only distinction is that if campaigns long enough, he will eventually have held every opinion and policy position that has ever existed. Oh, and he’s a Mormon – apparently that’s perceived as being weird to, of all people, Christian fundamentalists.

It’s obvious to any seasoned political observer that the only figure able to pilot darkened skies of our next, troubled decade is Batman. In case you’re wondering, I don’t mean Adam West. I mean the Batman that makes bad guys cry, steps on Superman’s face and coolly explains with interior monologue the precise methodology for leaving a gang of thugs crippled and broken for collection by the police. I mean the Dark Knight Detective who lives in a cave and considers a broken arm to be a minor inconvenience.

I mean the Batman.

To enlighten my 2.3 readers I will present the two biggest policy issues facing the Republicans, and how none of these would present an obstacle for the Batman.

1. Finding Osama bin Laden; The conventional candidates have put forward various plans that emphasize diplomacy, intelligence activities or renewed military commitment to the Afghan/Pakistani border in order to get bin Laden. Clearly, no one has a concrete plan, and the various wannabes are just repeating similar catch phrases in the hopes of appearing to possess a full grasp of the problem.

President The Batman would conversely deal with this in a straightforward fashion aimed at achieving results through unfaltering investigation, endless perseverance and vicious beatings. Having gathered sufficient information from his regular connections (facilitated by the vicious beatings), President The Batman would fly to Afghanistan in the Bat Wing and just find bin Laden on his own. This would be done by appearing out of the shadows, dispatching terrorists with ease and of course, vicious beatings. When the time was right, he would infiltrate bin Laden’s hideout, and appear behind him when he felt most secure and at rest. President The Batman would then apply a PVB (Presidential Vicious Beating) to bin Laden and hand him over the police of Gotham City.

Done and done.

2. Resolving the War in Iraq; Clearly a quagmire for Republican hopefuls, this conflict would be rapidly contained by President The Batman. In a move that has worked for him time and time again with Gotham crime lords, President The Batman would seek out the leaders of each sectarian militia. Having located them, he would pretend to be one of them, using an Arab or Persian variation of his ‘Matches Malone’ disguise that baffles American criminals. Once tricked into meeting all in one place, President The Batman would descend upon the crowd, disabling the various gunmen with a mix of brute force and terrifying stealth. When only the leaders remained, President The Batman would calmly inform them that they would now each be held personally responsible for the safety and well being of their opponents and their opponent’s followers.

“If one of them so much as twists an ankle” his icy whisper would intone, “I’ll be back for you…”

America, your troops can now come home.

This second method of problem solving would also work for big oil executives, labor unions, big tobacco, neo-Nazis, the ACLU, the NRA (Batman loves beating up people with guns…), smokers, unsafe drivers, people who don’t vote, all illegal immigrants, legal immigrants who seem “iffy” and those irrsponsible monsters who litter.

Next week   Next time   Eventually, we’ll see how the Batman stacks up against the Democrats – well, we won’t actually see him, because he can pretty much vanish whenev…oh you get the idea.

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