Filibastards.

If you have a TV or a radio or an open conduit to the internet or a perch near a bus station or if you have taken Anderson Cooper hostage (kill him!), you have probably heard the term filibuster in the last few weeks.

Filibuster comes from the Greek “Phyllo” and the archaic English “Bustard”. The Phyllobustard was a Mediterranean desert that was stuffed to capacity with kidney meat and Sultana raisins.

After the 1841 elections in Great Britain, the newly elected Lord Robert Peel was eating a Phyllobustard while waiting for Parliament to meet. In one of those odd moments that define the future through absurd happenstance, Peel refused to begin the session until he had finished his snack. Astoundingly he then decided to send his adjutant to find the street vendor who had sold him the first Phyllobustard and order a second.

Unknown to Peel, a bill was to be brought before Parliament that would have caused him considerable difficulty. The bill was a personal assault on Peel. Lord Peel was instrumental in forming the modern British police and even went so far as to design their hats. In recognition of his service, many London constables were referred to loosely as ‘Bobbies’.

It was the plan of the Leader of the Opposition and some angry members of Peel’s own party to sneak in a bill that would replace the Bobbies with Scottish Dragoons (called Dragons but for the illiteracy of the Scots).

But as the enemies of the Prime Minister languished, Peel ate his way through the bill’s supporters as he munched through the second Phyllobustard. Unnerved by the wait, the members of Peel’s party relented and the Dragoon Bill died.

A Welsh MP noted that he had never expected to be outdone by a Phyllobustard, but his accent mauled the word. From a snack and an inaudible Welshman the filibuster was born.

In the last few days, the Senate of the United States faced a filibuster battle of its own. The Republicans, who have nominated some controversial judges sought to use Senate rules to quash the filibuster in order to gain unfettered access to a straight vote in front of the full Senate. They pursued this option not because they sought to take advantage of their numerical superiority, but because they dearly love freedom and democracy.

They love freedom and democracy carnally. Right now, somewhere a pantless conservative is sockin’ it to freedom and/or democracy in most intimate ways.

The Democrats, the party of loosing all the Presidential elections of the 21st century have a different view.

The Democrats in the Senate are attempting to block a few of these nominees from being voted because they are too dangerous and too radical. Some of these nominees have ruled in favor of Hitler and several went on a camping trip with the physical incarnation of Genghis Khan. Or possibly that horrible French woman who invented herpes, I really can’t remember.

But these nominees are that bad.

Really.

So standing up for America, which you can only do when Americans do not vote for you in large enough numbers to win, the Democrats have decided to fight.

The Democrats too are holding on only because they love America more than anyone. It has nothing to do with trying to raise the profile of a party that has failed so badly in the last four election cycles that they have marginalized themselves.

If you doubt the Republicans, then you hate religion and probably work for Al Quaeda.

If you doubt the Democrats, you hate the rights of women and are probably a homophobe too.

Start your engines, take your places and shoot yourself in the head.

On the upside, a group of Centrists who are lead by the Batman of the Senate, John McCain, have struck upon a truce. The deal really just presses the pause button, but it avoids a filibuster and keeps the Senate rules where they are.

On the up side, the Centrist Deal has done a wonderful job of pissing up the leg of the card-carrying Right and the card-carrying Left. If it makes MoveOn.org and National Review mad at the same time, it’s good with me.

However, there is a nonsense clause. Both sides have staked out the ‘extraordinary circumstances’ clause that allows for this whole partisan pee-match to eek out again. So in other words, as soon as the Democrats hear who the nominee is the circumstances will be extraordinary and the filibuster will be on again. The Republicans, in a desperate attempt to save from Afghanistan will have no choice but to change the procedural rules of the Senate.

What else could they possibly do?

If all this sounds reasonable to you send me 50$ and I’ll send you Lord Peel’s favorite snack!